The Amnesiac Shopper | #ONC2024

Chapter one

'Why the hell are there roadworks in my living room?'

Theo blinked, not quite able to believe the words that left his mouth. And while his sleep-crusted eyes refused to open all the way, it'd been enough to confirm that he wasn't hallucinating.

Thud. Thud. Thud.

The lad groaned in pain as he tried to stand up. The mother of all headaches was looming and he knew it. He'd have to deal with it later, though. Someone was at the door.

Thud. Thud. Thud.

'I'm coming!'

He didn't have time to look in the mirror, but his white flannel shirt was booze-stained and somehow crispy. It told him all he needed to know about his appearance.

Thud. Thud. Thud.

Swiping at the rusty-looking door handle of his living room, Theo let his rage get the better of him and he missed his target to face-plant the framed photograph of his beloved dog.

The glass cracked and the wooden frame swung from left to right. The creaking noise it made only added to Theo's nightmarish hangover, but at least the photo of Glen had survived.

Thud. Thud. Thud.

'Seriously?! Who knocks at this time of the morning? It's a Sunday for crying out loud.'

Theo charged out of the living room, only half-noticing the mechanical bull balanced at the bottom of his staircase. It wore a beautiful blond wig, a checked coat and a pair of aviator sunglasses.

Thud-

'Yes?' The lad barked as he unlatched the front door.

A delivery driver was using the large parcel to scratch his bare leg and only stopped when he spotted Theo. 'You ordered a sheep-shearing kit last night. Now, I've got the base machine and cutters, but you'll have to wait until tomorrow for the oil and bracket adapter.'

The lad's jaw dropped. He'd lived in the city his whole life. He'd never even seen a sheep out in the wild unless he'd been driving to the countryside. Now, he couldn't imagine what else he'd gotten up to the night before.

'Thanks,' he hesitantly said. 'I'll be home all day tomorrow, so you can just bring it at whatever time works for you.'

The short-wearing man tapped the parcel and took a photo. He seemed surprised that Theo didn't try to argue for his money back, but he wasn't about to give him that out.

The lad cursed as he crouched to pick up the item. 'Thankfully, the kit he'd wasted his money on wasn't heavy.'

The delivery driver waved as he sped away, and Theo was halfway to the ground-floor apartment access door when a livestock transporter screeched to make the tight turn onto his street.

A wave of fear washed over the lad as he watched dozens of woollen sheep baa and poke their heads through the vehicle's metal panelling.

The driver combed his fingers through his greying beard and wound down the window. 'Excuse me, son. Can you tell me how to reach Doverdale?'

Theo let out a breath he didn't realise he was holding. The man was only asking for directions.

'You're headed to the mart?'

'No, I'm taking my fluffy flock to the beach for Pina coladas and cake. What do you think?!'

The lad flushed red, the headache had finally made itself known. 'Keep going straight. Turn left at the Old Bow Inn, then it's a right and another right. That'll get you where you need to be.'

The driver pulled away without so much as a thank you, but Theo didn't care, he'd gotten rid of the bastard and that was all that mattered.

Karma struck straight away, though because the house door wouldn't open.

'Kay! Did you lock me out again? I keep telling you to look out the window. Look out your stupid window before locking the door.'

Instead of shouting back, the woman who lived on the first floor opened her window and hurled something at the lad. He hadn't realised what it'd been until he was spitting out bloody flour.

'You crazy bitch! You're not the only one that lives here you know.'

The window closed as quickly as it'd opened and Theo was left, flour-faced, sleep-deprived and angry. He'd even debated leaving the open bag of flour in an attempt to get in the final word, then decided he could use it for baking.

Theo wasn't a chef by any means, he was a History student at the local university and as everyone knew, students were forever broke when it came to buying food and books, but there was always money for alcohol.

And so, the lad began to drag his shearing kit around the side to the postal room window. If one of his neighbours wasn't about to let him inside, he'd have to get in the hard way.

The lad stepped onto the window ledge and slid the parcel up the wall until it was ready to drop through the small gap. Unfortunately, he hadn't taken the time to realise that he wouldn't fit.

As his head, shoulders and chest cleared the window, his barrel belly did not. And the more he wriggled to break free, the more the metal lock nipped his skin.

'Hey, look at this daft bastard!'

Theo shut his eyes and sighed, immediately recognising the voice of a local teenager who seemed to plague his every move.

'Terry, don't suppose you could pull me out?'

'Sure,' said the lad, unable to hold back a giggle.

Instead of pulling at his feet, Terry yanked at Theo's tracksuit pants until they were around his ankles.

'Come on!'

Laughing hysterically, Terry ran, no doubt eager to tell his friends what he'd done.

Agonizing seconds felt like minutes as Theo hung helpless without trousers or underwear. Yes, they'd been pulled down too.

Eventually, the lad heard footsteps approaching and hoped it wasn't his torturer returning for more. But distant thudding quickly turned into the clip-clopping of heels.

'What in the actual f-'

'Who's that? Stacey, is that you? Please help.'

Stacey snorted and the lad looked down to see the flash of a camera reflecting off the bottom window pane.

Theo screamed and tried to yank himself free again. However, he only got more stuck. 'Why me?'

Stacey laughed again. 'I ask myself that question every day, babe.'

'Thanks.'

Her smile faltered as she tried to shove the lad's legs. 'Yeah, I think we're going to have to call the fire brigade.'