Before You Loved Me

01

Have I teleported back in time to the opening scene of High School musical 1?

Is the first thought that runs through my mind as I look to the party's questionable décor and choice of crockery that holds the snacks; it's The kind of crockery I'd say that you'd find in your grandmothers kitchen, the ones with the flowers and fruits on them that is used for special occasions

It would be okay if this were a high school party, but it's not, it's hosted by Olivia and her boyfriend, the boyfriend who is in a college fraternity, which means this is practically a frat party

Did I mention it is also a karaoke party; there is a karaoke machine and everything

I could very well be on a high school musical set right now

However, I'm not the Gabriela here in this instance, instead it's my friend Hanna who is on the stage belting her heart out to a song that sounds familiar, but her singing is making it hard to know what song it is. And her Troy Bolton is the guy who kept asking me what my name was, and who is mumbling words right beside her, focused intently on reading the words off the screen

And I'm on the couch that faces the karaoke stage, nursing a diet coke that the boys whose hand is tracing lazy patterns on my jean-clad thigh got me.

No we are not married, his hand is not supposed to be there, I know that, - but I'm not exactly innocent here either, my leg is draped over his leg

I know undoubtedly that it's wrong, yet I'm not putting a stop to it anyhow

For clarification, yes I am a Muslim; I do mostly follow a life governed by Islamic laws and rules

Yes by choice, don't get me wrong I love my religion

I am just not very good at said religion

I'd even go as far to say that I am a bad Muslim

And as a Muslim, I'm not supposed to shed light on what that means, because talking about my sins, or how 'bad' I am means I'm not regretful of it and am arrogant

I don't say this because I'm trying to normalize being a not-so-great-Muslim, or that I'm encouraging it in any way, - I'm not.

I'm saying all of this because I find that when people say they are bad Muslim's, they mean surface level things like; they don't pray on time, or they told a white lie about something so meaningless, but they are ashamed of it which means they are actually good Muslims.

That statement doesn't apply to me. When I say I'm a bad Muslim I don't mean that I prayed a prayer well past the designated time. Neither am I understating the severity of my actions and am actually someone who left the fold of Islam entirely because of how bad my transgressions were

Rather I'd say I'm somewhere, between where I've decided letting a boy kiss me at my 16th birthday is okay because it's just a kiss, and that there are people doing far worse things than I am at 16 years old. And that I also might have missed a lot of obligatory prayers, even did drugs on one occasion but convinced myself that it was better than doing alcohol, even though they are both intoxicants and deemed forbidden in Islam

But I wear Hijab, dress modestly and partake in almost every other obligatory and non-obligatory religious acts, I'd say I do have a semi-present moral compass

Here's the thing, I did want to be better – do want to be, but I was still doing the same things that I have been doing since I was 16 years old. I'm aware I'm contradicting myself by saying I want to be better but making no visible effort whatsoever to be better

Even when I do try it lasts for like a day, and then I'm back to my old ways, giving up momentarily on being a good Muslim until my next religious epiphany comes around and I repeat the cycle all over again