Beyond the Curtain

10 | rule 109

RULE 109: DO NOT OWN A COMPUTER.

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The reality of being abandoned did not fully sink in until I was all alone in my hotel room. With Rowan gone and the door closed behind me, I was left to my own devices, not that I had many devices to consume my time with. I had the clothes on my back, a sturdy hotel card in my hand, and at most, a few loose coins in my pocket. But that was all I had to my name.

To further emphasize my lack of worldly possessions, the room was, without a doubt, larger than the entirety of the motorhome I had called home for my entire life.

A king-sized bed rested in the middle of the room with a pair of nightstands at either side. A dresser with an accompanying TV sat across from the bed, where an attached desk had been built into the side. The room was equipped with a full-sized bathroom, and it had a tub.

The possibility of soaking in the tub for the first time in my life felt like a good decision, but not long after the door had latched shut, the silence began to creep in.

Growing up in chaos, there was never truly a silent moment, and now I was being suffocated by silence.

When each day felt like the one before it and even the one after it, adhering to a normal sleep schedule was not absolutely necessary—unless it affected the circus. Miss Nymphadora usually turned a somewhat blind eye to anyone staying up to see the rising sun because she felt they would reap the natural consequence. However, the momentary lack of sleep hindered a performance, Miss Nymphadora's excessively long nails were no longer just for show.

Anyone in their right mind would have found the silver lining in being abandoned, but I couldn't help but feel the opposite. As my mind mulled over my career, the more my heart ached to go back.

Half tempted to scour the hotel for a computer, I decided against it. Even with Miss Nymphadora gone, I couldn't bring myself to use technology without permission. I had broken many rules in my lifetime—usually the ones you don't even realize you're breaking until it's too late—but I was never one to break the rules for technology.

The TV taunted me with its distorted reflection of myself. Flopping on the bed, I could see a glimpse of myself broadcasted on the blank TV screen. Most of the time I glanced at myself, my face was under a heavy helping of makeup, which had been applied in such a way to make me look frail.

But here I looked normal like I could have been just an ordinary girl plucked off the streets, not someone who had spent their entire life working in a circus. It felt wrong, and I felt so unnerved by this realization that I promptly got up and turned the TV around so the screen faced the wall. As an extra precaution, I slid the TV remote off the nightstand and shut it away in the drawer.

It was just all too much.

Once again plopping down on the bed, I cocooned myself in the blankets and promptly shut myself off from the rest of the world. The idle humming of the air conditioner was the only relief from the otherwise unnatural silence.

As I began to ponder what I would do next and where I would go, my eyes fluttered shut, leaving the decision for the morning. However, after a restless sleep, I had not come any closer to formulating a plan for my future.

Lugging my tired body off the bed, I shuffled to the bathroom, where I was far too tired to marvel at its size. Since I had been left behind without my belongings, I thought it best to take a shower and make myself as presentable as I could given the fact I would be re-wearing my clothes.