Positive Messages

Saying Goodbye

Hey You,

I know this isn't the positive message that I usually try to send, but I'm grieving and this is the best way I know to get past it, so you can skip this one if you want.

I hope you never have to go through losing someone to dementia and Alzhiemer's. They lose their mind before they leave and you're forced to stand there, watching them deteriorate until they don't recognize you, because you don't know what else to do. There's nothing you can do except love them.

Yes, it's hard and yeah, you break down a lot, just like with any other terminal illness. You know the end is coming and sometimes you wish it were here sooner and then you realize just how monsterous that seems, but you just want their suffering to end.

I'm not the kind of person who puts their emotions out there. I tend to cry in the shower because I don't want to bother other people with my out of control emotions or run to the most tucked away corner I can find. I was taught from a young age that crying in front of other people is a bad thing.

It isn't.

You need to feel your emotions. You need to get them out. My grandma was the only one that I felt safe enough around to be able to do that. She's the reason why I started writing. She's the reason why I started teaching. She was...

But I stopped and a part of me wonders if that had something to do with what was going on with her.

My family fell apart when she got sick and I started role-playing as a means of escape from the internal conflict, but I feel like I keep hurting people because I'm hurting myself. I need to get over that and pick myself back up.

I was scrolling through Facebook today and this came up on my feed and I just lost it.

My grandma and I used to make scrapbooks together of all the adventures that we had. We would go camping, fishing, have trips to museums and the zoo. We did everything together. Even when she was away, she always remembered to send me postcards and pictures so we could put them in the scrapbook when she got back.

I know she wouldn't want me to feel like this. She would want me to pick myself back up and keep going, keep writing.

But right now, I just can't because I don't want my darkness to overwhelm somebody else's light.

Like I said before, I hope you never have to go through this, but if you do, let me be the person to tell you that it's ok to cry. It's ok to feel your emotions and then find the next right thing. You don't have to suffer in silence or force yourself to be alone because I'm telling you being alone while you're grieving only makes things worse.

If you read this, thanks for listening to my story. I pray that your holidays are wonderful and bright.

Sincerely,
RaynLeate