Scar Tissue

three: just breathe

oh i'm a lucky man,
to count on both hands,
the ones i love
- pearl jam, just breathe

"Shots!" Sarah announced cheerfully, three plastic shot glasses held in her hand as she made her way over to the table we were sitting at. Holly trailed behind her, three more cups in her hand, and I grimaced at the sight.

"Don't worry," Holly added, sliding in next to me as Sarah sat across from us, "they're pickle back."

I picked up the shot of whiskey and sniffed it, cringing my face up immediately. "Drinking whiskey makes me feel like a forty year-old divorced man who smokes a pack a day."

Sarah frowned. "That's so oddly specific."

"And accurate," Holly agreed, lightly nudging my side playfully.

Sarah shoved all the shots (and their accompanying pickle juices) in our direction. "Okay, shush and take your shot," she demanded, and we all brought our cups together. "To my girls finally being home all at the same time!"

I threw back the whiskey shot and immediately reached for the pickle juice, doing my best not to gag in the process. I wasn't a big drinker, but tonight was, according to Sarah, a celebratory night. To her, a celebratory night meant lots of alcohol, and the shots had been flowing since we stepped foot into the bar.

I wasn't complaining, however. Shots and spending time with Sarah and Holly was a welcome reprieve after my morning interaction with Noah. I had refused to let our interaction throw off my mood or ruin my night, even if I couldn't stop myself from continually running through it. It seemed whether I went out with Sarah and Holly, or stayed in bed and moped, my mind kept going back to the one thing I was desperate to avoid.

"I so needed this," Holly piped up, knocking me out of my thoughts. She sighed and reached for a wing off the plates in front of us. Sarah had ordered way too much food when we got here, but as the alcohol began to flow, the food began to slowly disappear. "This semester really almost killed me and I've done nothing good since I've been back home."

"You've barely been home," Sarah countered, brushing dark hair back from her face. "I've been surviving on my own because this one - " she jabbed her thumb towards me, "is a certified hermit."

I snorted. "I'm just certified at ignoring annoying cousins."

Sarah grinned at me and held up her middle finger, which I returned with a flying kiss. Her and Holly quickly divulged into a conversation about their last semester and I breathed in deeply, leaning back against the booth. I was starting to get a little past tipsy and I leaned my head back, eyes locking on a random spot on the ceiling.

I squeezed my eyes closed and took deep breaths, trying to keep my mind in place and refuse to let it wander. It was funny; I went four years with Noah barely crossing my mind. There were times - there would always be times - but I had been so busy, so distracted, that I didn't have the time to focus on him.

And yet one conversation threatened to give me complete tunnel vision.

"Pay attention," Sarah called and I snapped my eyes open, vision spinning for a second at the sudden action. "If you fall asleep in here, I am not carrying you out."

I laughed and pushed myself up, grabbing a nacho off the other plate. I was starting to become extremely grateful for the amount of food Sarah had ordered. Sarah and Holly were already off on another conversation, but I took my time with the food, trying to get some semblance of sobriety back into my body.

"Alright, alright," Holly said, clapping her hands together lightly to get all of our attention. She grinned at us, blue eyes glinting under the bar lights. "I have news."