Forgiven

Chaoter Four - Rush - Ronan

A long ten minutes passed before Nial rushed through the door, supplies and duffle bag in tow. He and I were unpacking the bag of supplies, then Nial spoke for the first time since his arrival, "How have you been, Ronan? It's been awhile."
"I'm sorry, Nial, I've had a lot on my mind." My mind flashed with images of Kate. Images of  me slicing the skin just below her shoulder, small cuts all along her neck. She'd had bruises all along her legs,  black eyes, split lips; I'd tear skin from open wounds, dislocate arms. From there it just progressed, all those times I'd tried to get rid of a feeling I've never known, or understood. I must have spaced out for much longer than it appropriate, because Nial started nudging my shoulder. "Hm, what did you say?" Nial shook his head a little.
First Nial wrapped my father's head in a towel to slow the blood dripping out of the crater in his face. I grabbed his ankles, they felt impossibly heavy, his feet hanging loosely. I pushed his legs, up trying to get his feet to stay next to his head. "Keep his legs like that, just give me a second." Nial reached inside the duffle bag pulling out rope. "Hey you," Nial looked directly at Adam, then asked me, "What's his name?" Nial asked me, pointing to Adam.
"Adam, he's one of my college buddies." I responded, still holding my fathers legs.
"Adam. Wonderful." He paused for a short moment thinking of something useful for Adam to do. Nial glanced at the rope in his hands, then gave Adam a small smile asking, "Adam, would you be a dear, and help me with this?" Nial gestured to the rope he was holding, "Please." He gave Adam a cheeky smile.
"Y-ya, I'll help you." Slowly, Adam inched closer to the body, crouching on the opposite side, I was in the middle still holding the legs.
"Ronan, push his legs down, against his chest," Nial directed, I did, both of ball joints in his hips snapped.
"Perfect," Nial handed one end of the rope to Adam, and he was certainly taking his sweet ass time.
"Could you guys hurry up just a little, we need to be out of the building before it closes." Nial gave me a noise that sounded like he'd agreed, but Nial being Nial, I couldn't quite tell. Adam seemed ready to pull the rope from underneath the head, but Nial was taking his sweet time twiddling with a small, very simple, knot in the end of the rope. I guess the noise he made was a noise of orneriness. "Ugh, Nial, please. Ignore the knot, there's plenty of rope."
"Well, since you asked nicely." Nial's hands expertly wrapped the rope around my fathers body. Holding down his legs to his chest. Really Adam didn't do anything but hold the loose end Nial wasn't using.. "Alright, Ronan, dump out the duffel bag, try to get whatever you can shoved in there, we'll cut off whatever hangs out. Make sure he doesn't start leaking again, it would be bad news if we left a trail." I gave a small nod in response, already picking up the bag to dump whatever was left, on the couch. Adam picked up a few rags and some sort of special cleaner Nials concocted himself. Nial explained the proper way to clean blood without making the spot on the carpet larger. Adam patiently waited for him to explain, then hesitantly started cleaning. Nial still gave him a few pointers. Moving on to continue forward, proactive, movement, I picked up my father's corpse by the legs, using them as a sort of handle. His body was extremely limp, which is normal for fresh corpses, but it made it so much harder to pick him up. I started with the head and shoulders first, they're the widest part of the body, I just want to make sure he fits. Thankfully, he managed to fit, it was tight, but it would work. I started wiggling the rest of his body into the oversized duffel bag. The majority of his body fit, but his shins and feet weren't going into the bag. "Nial, he doesn't fit," I stated.
"Use the small hacksaw, like I said, cut what doesn't fit." Nial stated to me again, assisting Adam in removing blood from carpet.
Looking behind me, at the couch, all of the items that were once in the duffel bag, strewn about the cushions. "One problem, Nial."
"What's that?" He asked
"There's no hacksaw." I answered
"You're strong, Ronan, break the bones." Nial stated
Gripping my fathers shin bone with both hands, I started squeezing, there were small groaning sounds coming from his bones. I squeezed harder, the groaning grew louder. Squeezing as hard as I could, I heard the bone give, the middle of his shin now malleable. Repeating the same thing with the other leg, I folded the floppy parts of his lower leg into the duffle bag. Pushing everything down, I zipped the bag. Standing up, my forearms tight from straining them, my mind wandered. I thought I had control, how will I ever face Kate? Will I snap on her too? My thoughts turned into a flurry. Everything bounced around, it hurt. I could feel a small tension headache starting to grow. A thought struck me, the house party this weekend, I started thinking about Kate being there. After today, how can I face her? I let go of a long, stressed, sigh.
"God, I can't wait for this night to be over. To go home and go to sleep," Pausing, feeling the overwhelming need to sleep slipping over me, "That sounds so good." I could feel a small grin cross my lips, "Adam, you want to stay at my house tonight? You don't look stable enough to be by yourself."
Adam ran his hands through his light brown hair, dark circles forming under his eyes. "Uhh, that might be the smartest thing to do, yeah. Sorry, I'm a little-" He trailed off.
"Adam, it's fine. You don't have to say anything if you don't want to." Looking at Nial, who was proudly inspecting his work, I offered, "Nial, you wanna hang out tonight too? We could catch up, maybe go get some chinese food like we used to?"
"Why the hell not, I don't have anything better to do. Besides, Chinese sounds really good right now." While Nial and Adam finished packing the supplies, I found myself leaning against the back of the couch.
"Ronan?" Adam asked me, his voice seemed so distant
"Relax, Adam," I heard Nial say, his voice just as distant, "He's coming down from adrenaline." Nial explained, stowing the cleaning supplies into a small coat closet. "Mrs. Gray. Sorry," Nial corrected himself, "Ms. Gray, do mind dropping off all of my cleaning stuff at Ronans? I'm going to need them again." My mom was now sitting in her swivel chair behind her desk, she had her head in both hands. She just nodded her head, never leaving it's resting place. I carefully walked over to her desk, still feeling a bit dazed, I pulled out a sticky-note pad. She didn't bother to look up at me. Sticking the note, containing my number and address, onto her closed laptop, wordlessly we retreated to the elevator. Once in the elevator, I leaned my head against a wall, "You alright Ronan?" Nial, of all people, knows best about the aftermath of killing a person. It felt like the energy was sucked from my body, so Nial didn't get a response. "When we get you home I'll go get food, you need to chill." Nial gave me a once over with his eyes, "Usually killing doesn't affect you this bad, how long has it been?"
Pushing the words out of my mouth, "About a year."
"Jesus." Nial rubbed a hand over his face, "You're not dormant, are you?"
"No. That's the problem." I forced the sentence through my lips, hoping Nial was done with his twenty questions game. Adam didn't quite understand what I was feeling since he's never hurt, or killed anyone. Which was apparent. He looked worried, I wasn't quite sure if he was worried more for me, or himself. Nial noticed his ignorance of the situation, so he took the initiative to explain it to Adam. "He's drained from the high levels of adrenaline, like what I had said earlier. Have you ever been in a fight?" Nial asked
"Um," Adam started to answer, he almost looked embarrassed. I guess that's not a strange thing to feel in an elevator of people who've killed and fought, "No, I've never been in a fight."
"Ok," Nial took a second to find a comparable experience, "How about roller coasters?" Adam nodded his head, "That rush that you get, that's adrenaline." Nial paused to see if Adam was understanding the conversation. Adam looked like he was a deer in headlights. He's coming down from shock. "So when fighting, or killing, there is a much larger amount of adrenaline released in the brain. The higher the levels, the harder the crash. It's like your body's natural drug." Nial explained. A short silence fell over all of us, Nial broke it, bragging about me, "If you think that was scary, its nothing. He's done some scary stuff, like-"
Before Nial could go into any gruesome details, "Nial." I warned, glaring at him out of the corner of my eye.
Nial clamped his mouth shut, Adam pressed his lips thin. He was starting to become wary. All of us watched the numbers on the electronic screen roll to the ground floor. Lifting my head up from the elevator's wall,  the elevator dinged at us, the doors sliding open smoothly. The hallways of the building were still quiet, except for the occasional janitor mopping, or sweeping. At the end of the hallway it opened up to the large, clean, modern looking lobby. Adam checked the bag for any leaking blood. He glanced at the tips of his fingers, I also took a quick look at his fingers. Really? There's never any rest for the wicked, is there? I started feeling energized again. My veins filling with anxiousness. The bags brown fabric started turning a darker shade of brown. The bag was also starting to get wet, fast. We were in the middle of the lobby, the floor a porcelain, white tile. If the blood drips in the middle of the floor, where there are still staff walking around doing their jobs, it'll stick out worse than a sore thumb. I  grabbed the bag from Nial, he shot a look at me, but I was already ten steps ahead of him for it to have any effect on me.
"Wait here guys I'll go get the car started, it's still pretty cold outside."Nial and Adam understood, now, what I was trying to accomplish.
"Well, look at that Adam, isn't he such a gentleman?" Nial asked. If someone didn't know Nial, they'd think he was being nice, in reality he's being sarcastic. Which is a constant attitude for him, but he has different forms of sarcasm. This form of sarcasm is relief. We made it through the building, no blood droplets left behind. Adam just gave a small, uneasy smile. I wrestled a little with the bag, trying to retrieve my keys from my pocket. Finally after a few choice words escaped, I successfully pulled out my keys. I hit the unlock button, the car responded by flashing the lights twice. Putting the key ring in my mouth to hold the keys I opened the door. Fumbling a little bit with the bag strap, the weight of the body not making it any easier to maneuver off of me. Clumsily getting a better hold of the oversized duffel bag, I started situating the bag horizontally behind the drivers seat. All of the blood will leak onto the floor board, which is easy enough to clean. Closing the car door, the dome light in the car shutting off, I heard an unexpected voice come from behind me, "Hey Ronan, what's up?" I calmly turned around to see the one and only, Ryan Finch.
"Ryan, hey what are you doing here?" I asked
"I'm here to drop off  some dinner for dad, he's working late." I stared at him confused.
"Your dad works here? I didn't know that," I was about to continue, but Ryan interrupted me, I'm glad I let him.
"Oh, could you let Adam know that, Kate, my little cousin, said she'd be at the party Saturday. It was nice talking to you, but I can't keep my dad waiting, he gets very irritated when he's hungry. See you in class Monday." He was already halfway up the stairs to the building before he even finished his sentence. I took this as a sign to get the hell out of dodge. Not to mention, I needed a distraction before the memories of what I've done to Kate come rushing back. I open the drivers side door, fall into the seat; my heart pounding so hard against my ribs I feel as if it'll beat out of my chest. Pulling up to the front of the building, I waited for them to notice I was ready to go. There was a long pause of silence, no doors opening, no chatter, nothing. Quickly pressing on the car horn, a short announcement of my presence, I waited more. My eyes were focused forward on a few tall spruce trees, still neither Adam, nor Nial were in the car. I looked over, observing them through the large windows. My mouth hung open for a split second, Ryan was having, what looked like a nice conversation, with Adam. Ryan even started engaging Nial. The rain started coming down harder, the air in the car becoming chilly. Cranking the heater up, I honked the horn again, desperate to get them in the car. After about fifthteen minutes of waiting, they said their goodbyes and started walking out to the car. The body started giving off a subtle smell of  copper. It was the blood. Damn heat, I turned off the heat hoping it would lessen the strength of the odor, cracking the back windows about an inch. Nial was in the car first, he was riding shotgun, Adam in the back behind the passenger's seat.
"Ok kids, are you ready to go home?" Everyone nodded their heads, then receded into their heads. I couldn't blame them, that's where I'd like to be, in my own head. I can't, though, I need to drive. Yay.
The exhaustion was getting worse, my apartment is in the heart of the city, right now people are getting off work. We're going to hit major traffic. The car ride, even when we were stuck in a traffic jam, was silent, no one said a thing. There were no complaints about the smell, or questions from Adam about how we're going to dispose of the body. No smartass remarks from Nial. Nothing. Around midnight we were all walking through my apartment door. I made a beeline for the couch, Nial went to the fridge to grab something to eat, the Chinese restaurant was closed now. Adam sat on the floor in front of the couch. "Before I forget, or fall asleep," I started mumbling into the cushion, "Ryan said that Kate will be there," I said, then for clarification, "At the party Saturday." I nuzzled my head into my arms, hiding my face, muttering, "Adam, I can't control myself. I thought I could, but I clearly can't keep it together." I said, asking Adam, "What if I snap again when I see her?" He was quiet for a moment then.
"We'll figure it out." Adam said, "We're going to have to get her to see past," He trailed off for a second, but finished his sentence, "Past the part of you who's a killer." He said, "I don't think it's impossible for her to forgive you, Ronan. You're a good guy." I quietly listened to Adam, doing my best to stay awake, "You're honest,"
"To a point," I mumbled
"But, you're still honest." Adam said again, continuing with his thoughts, "You're caring, I mean if you weren't you'd have killed me the day you told me who you are." He let that sink in for a moment, then kept talking, "You're intelligent. You're anti-social, for sure, but still friendly. You're an animal lover," Then as if Adam were struck by lightning, probably remembering that most serial killers, psychopaths, or killers in general, start harming animals before they ever harm people. "You are an animal lover, right?" He asked.
"I've never hurt an animal, Adam. I always thought it was cruel." I answered
"Cruel?" Adam asked
I elaborated, "Killing an animal, that's no competition. They're really no match for man." I paused, then a line my father had told me when I was younger, the only thing I think he and I agreed on, "Perfect practice, makes perfect. My first ever kill was a human."
I could hear the relief in Adams, voice, "Moving on, you're strong willed. A very determined sort of guy. You know the difference between right and wrong."
Nial chimed in, sitting on the arm of the couch by my feet, "Yeah, he's just selective with his good boy and bad boy actions." I playfully nudged Nials hip with my foot. "It's true. Don't forget, Adam, he's drop dead sexy."
"Fuck off," I said, my words were almost completely slurred together.
"It'll take work," Adam said, "Trust me," I knew Adam replayed the emotions he felt when I told him, "But I came around, Ronan. I'm sure she will too.
Skeptically, I said, "I'm not so sure, Adam. You've never been on the receiving end of my shit storm."
Adam gave a tired, humorless laugh, "I'm thankful I haven't ever been."
Nial piped up, I was on the border of awake and asleep, "Hey, I know you want to sleep, but you need to eat and shower." I groaned like a child, "Let's go, Ronan. Faster you get it done the faster you can go to bed." Nial has a pont, I hate it when he makes sense. He's never been the responsible one. Sitting up, then over exaggeratedly standing, I made my way to the shower. I hear Nial ask Adam, "Fill me in on this Kate girl, and why she doesn't like my little brother." I know Nial and I weren't actually siblings, but he always referred to me as his brother. It feels nice to know we've chosen to be each other's family. Shucking my clothes, spots of my shirt were actually stiff with blood, I saw the light red, almost pink staining on my skin. Looking past the blood, I looked at myself, which I haven't done in an extremely long time. I was a nice looking guy. I'm tall, muscular, sharp features, a five o'clock shadow. Black hair paired with lightly tanned skin. An odd smile crossed my lips, pulling my eyes from the mirror, I stripped completely. Stepping into the shower I let the water run down my skin, warming me. I could feel stress leaving my muscles.
Stepping out of the shower, a fresh shirt and a pair of basketball shorts. In the living room, Nial and Adam were watching TV. I made myself a simple sandwich, then joined the guys on the couch. I was starving, thanks to the short wrestling match with my, now deceased, father. The three of us relaxed in silence for a few moments, then Nial jumped up off of the couch, "Shit! I'll be back, I almost forgot about the body in the back seat." Nial rushed through my apartment door, taking my keys with him. He was gone for quite some time. Long enough that anything interesting on TV was finished. I clicked on Netflix, Adam and I settled on a movie, then went back to silently watching TV. More than half the movie was watched before I heard my door open again. Nial, looking extremely disheveled, sat down on the available space left between Adam and the arm of the couch.
"Adam filled me in on Kate. Why is it you're trying to go after her?" After an hour of struggling to explain how I feel about her, "Let me help." Was all Nial said in response, he said 'Let me help.'. It took me a second to come up with any sort of response.
"Yeah, of course, I need all the help I can get. Thanks ,Nial." He put a hand on my shoulder.
"You're my only family, Ronan, I'd go to the ends of the Earth for my family." He stood back up and went to take a shower. Adam and I continued to watch the movie, I don't know when, but I drifted off into a deep, well needed sleep.