Pajamas In The Rain

The End Ch. 14

Once Grace dropped me of at my house i was relieved yet flustered. I was so confused. One minute i flip him off with my friend Cesia and he sees, the next I'm head over heels for the guy. I flip him off so much i'm starting to think that i actually hate him. Yet i keep waiting for him to like my next Instagram post.

I was sick and tired of being this way. I can't keep letting guys control me. It's not natural. I'm not even a sophomore for goodness sakes. I was talking to Miranda and we decided to have a sleep over. Our sleepers go about the same each time. We watch about seven hours of netflix or more, we nap, we call hot guys and call them out on their fuckboy-ness, talk about boys, share all of our current problems, look for food, and eat like pigs watching a classic chic-flick.

hen we got to the "talking about boys" part i was relieved. I explained everything to her in full detail and she gave me the best advice anyone could give.

"What do you even want to happen between you two?" she asked me.

" I don't know I-I--" she cut me off.

"Look I know you, you don't want him to be your boyfriend. You don't believe in dating in high school. You and I both know that you prefer the idea of him than actually him."

Holy shit.

She was so right. I don't believe in anything that i was doing and frankly i now see how idiotic i was acting over a stupid boy. There is no getting what you want from high school boys. This isn't Boy Meets World where the a high school couple actually continues and blossoms.
This was real life. And in real life you can't live in some fantasy world. It's all bull shit once you really think about it. Grade school, middle school, and high school relationships are just huge jokes. It's not like they're going to last. Sorry to burst your bubble or rain on your parade if you will but reality blows.

Welcome to the real world Paloma. You knew this would happen. It was a matter of time until this little crush of yours was over. Sure the hope to find love is still in me but i won't ever settle. This crush was a realization and an eye opener on what i really want and need.

I don't want a Ricky who talks to me in private and ignores me i public. Someone who makes me feel less about myself. Someone who makes me second guess my choices. A Ricky who i have to compete for his attention. I don't want that. I don't deserve it.

I don't have time to waste. I don't intend putting up with assholes who will make me pay the bill at dinner. Or wasting my time playing stupid party games that i will regret. I am not some type of idiot who will go and slum it with a try hard. I won't be ignored. I won't be anyone's secret. So FUCK YOU RICKY!

I want more. Sure i sound needy and demanding but honestly there is someone out there who will meet those needs and until i find that someone i won't settle. I have this thing about not dating while im in high school. It will help me focus, let me enjoy my time with my friends, and let me learn who i truly am. I still don't know who i am. I do know that once i leave the so called comfort of high school i will be out in the open, exploring my options, becoming my true self, and if i'm lucky, finding my mr. right who will hold my hand in front of people, comfort me when im anxious, bring me tea when i'm moody, cuddle me when i'm sick, open doors for me, give me sweet and innocent kisses, give me loving small gestures that i love, learn all my favorite things, put up with my twisted chamber of sadness, respect my purity ring, and lastly will make me confident and happy with myself and my choices. That is what i will settle for.

The End.