A New Chapter

Understanding Me

For two to three years, during elementary school, I lived with my half-brother's father(Josh) and his wife(Chrystal). They had two children at the time. They were Aries and Jonah. The two of them were more close to my half-brother, Ian, then they were to me. I'm the oldest, then Aries, then Ian, and then Jonah.

While I was living there, with Josh's mom and his sister, my mom was out in Pennslyvania. I don't know why and I don't know what she was doing. I just know where she was at the time and where I was...in hell.

Josh and Chrystal restricted me. I ate foods that made me want to puke and starve myself. I dressed in clothes that were uncomfortable and I hated them. I was forced to go to church when I didn't want to. I did things that I never liked. I was friends with people that I couldn't stand. Bottom line, I couldn't be myself AT ALL.

I did those things because even when I voiced my opinion, I was forced and scolded. I had to be the good little girl. I had to set a perfect example for the younger ones. I had to use my manners, speak quietly, and always be polite. I had to wear little dresses and be scared to play in the mud. I had to be with the girls, playing with stupid little dolls. I had to do everything I never wanted to do. I had to be something I wasn't.

When my mom came back, I was free. I had the oppurtunity to do the things I wanted as long as they were appropriate. I didn't have to go to church. I didn't have to wear certain clothes. If I didn't like dinner, I could find something else for the night. I could choose my own friends and express myself the way I wanted.

And I did. Oh god, I did.

This year, I started to finally realize things. I went overboard. I abused the freedom because I wanted to finally feel in control of myself. I do feel in control. It's an amazing feeling.

I am not transgender. That is restricting myself to one identity. I have come to the conclusion that I hate restrictions. Which explains me being an Anarchist.

I will tell you what I am. I am agender. I don't have a gender. I am not restricted to being a boy or a girl. I am nothing and everything at the same time. I am your best friend. Your soul mate. Your lover. Your aquaintence. Your online buddy. I am not your girl. Or your guy. I'm not your man whore. I'm your slut.

This should be more helpful for some of you. You can use whatever pronouns you want. He, she, they. I don't care. You can even use It. *shrugs*

I am demiromantic pansexual and I am agender. I am proud. And I am learning. Thank you all for being so patient. It took me a while to actually wake up and realize that I needed help. I'm glad that I got the help that I need.

I just miss everyone. One person in particular. They have the best hair and an amazing personality. They give the best hugs. Their hair is so soft and the perfect length. Not quite to their shoulders or their ears. And their eyes, oh god.

And not only their physical apperance but their personality. Their so compassionate and empathic and understanding. Their kind and caring. And funny, omg.

I can't wait to see them tomorrow and at Kings Dominion. I love and miss you, my love.