Anna (Go To Him)

Chapter 41

Eileen and I waged a losing battle against dehydration over the next two days. When I wasn't vomiting, I was crying. I felt so helpless and at a complete loss as to what to do. Despite Eileen begging me to tell her what was wrong, I stayed clammed up. On multiple occasions, I heard Eileen having hushed phone conversations with our mother, who was staying in Manchester through the end of the week. I felt terrible for making my family worry but I was too tired and too emotional to deal with it yet.

On Thursday morning, I woke up feeling less nauseous and sore than I had all week. My brain fog had cleared to the point that I suspected my fever had finally broken. All the same, I laid in bed for a long while, staring at the ceiling and turning my dilemma over and over again in my mind. There was no getting around it, I'd fucked up royally and I knew it. I thought back over all the times John and I had made love this summer. I had to admit that we'd grown reckless since that wonderful night in Scotland, where we'd been so overcome by our lust that we'd thrown caution to the winds and foregone any kind of protection, preferring instead to feel the full sensation of each other with nothing between us. It was a revelation which had elevated the experience, and my later conversations about it with Shelley – who had never used any kind of contraceptives at all over just as many years – had convinced me that the dangers may have been slightly hyped by my sister and parents. What a fool I was.

I covered my eyes with my hands, digging my nails into the skin of my forehead in frustration. There was no excuse; I had known better, all along. Hadn't I been there when Dot went through her whole pregnancy ordeal? Hadn't my sister provided me with the tools I needed to protect myself? I wasn't ignorant, I knew the risks. But John wanted it – and I'd wanted it – and I let it weaken me. And now here I was, pregnant, with John hundreds of miles away, finally getting the break he needed to get his music career started. Dear God, what was I going to do?

I rolled onto my side, pulling the pillow over my face and screaming into it.

"Anna?"

I slowly lifted the pillow from my tear-streaked face to see Eileen standing in my doorway, looking tired and worried. "D'ye need something?" She asked gently.

My heart broke. Eileen had selflessly cared for me all week. She'd also consistently tried to protect me from my own young hubris over the last few years and I'd failed her. I couldn't let her find out about this from someone else, she deserved to hear about it from me.

I sat up shakily in bed, licking my suddenly dry lips and summoning every ounce of courage I could find. "'Leen, I...I fucked up. I'm sorry." I said tearfully, my voice barely a whisper. Her eyes widened in surprise and she glanced quickly down the hall toward Daniel, who I could hear babbling to himself in the next room.

"Anna..." She held a hand up, "Let me just...one second..." She raced into the next room and dragged Daniel into mine, dropping a handful of toys on the ground next to him. "Play with these for a mo', luvvie." She crooned, before turning back to me and crossing slowly to my bed, sinking down onto it with a serious look on her face. "I'm so sorry. What is it, luv?"

I was already strongly regretting my decision to say anything but I had to press forward. Taking a deep breath, I dropped the words into the space between us and waited for them to explode, "I'm pregnant."

Eileen just stared at me, her mouth open slightly. I felt my body freeze up as my heart began to race. Finally, she spoke, in a voice scarcely louder than my whisper, "What?"

"Please don't make me say it again." Hot tears pressed against the back of my eyes.

"But...I don't..." She shook her head, "You're sure?"

I nodded, a sob finally escaping my lips as I dissolved into tears again.

"Oh, darling..." Eileen automatically reached out and gathered me into her arms, rocking me back and forth and rubbing a hand across my back. "Shh, shh, it'll be OK, it'll be OK."