An Unexpected Addition (Thilbo - Bagginshield)

Differences

"This is going to be a repeat of Bag End. I can see it now."

The whole Company was leaning against the dining hall doors and the portions of the wall that had peepholes in them. Bilbo, Thorin, and the women of their odd makeshift family were sitting on the unoccupied couch and armchairs, watching in amusement as all of their companions tried to listen in on Bombur's courting dinner. The children were too busy snacking on cupcakes and playing with a puzzle box to care about the strange supper in the next room over. Nearly an hour had passed since Hania's arrival, so the Company's anxiety levels were rising by the minute now.

"At least Bombur won't be crushing anyone this time," said Thorin with a smirk. He was still looking over the blueprints about the eastern mines. "And there haven't been any screams or crashes yet. That's always a good sign."

"Thorin tried to slit my husband from ear to ear," sighed Dís. "It was rather awful considering the circumstances. Nearly ruined my dress. Very irritating."

"What'd he do to deserve that?"

"I don't even remember," admitted the princess. She fixed her brother with a half-amused, half-annoyed glare. "He'd been itching to thrash the crap out of Víli for months at that point. Thorin didn't think anyone was good enough for me."

Thorin shrugged without shame. "None of them were. Simple as that."

"Well, you wouldn't have Fíli and Kíli without that giant lump of blond stupidity, as you liked to call Víli on his better days," said Dís. "To think that two grown dwarves could act so immature towards each other. Oh, don't give me that look. You didn't even try to hide your dislike until Fíli was born. And then I couldn't even get you to give my own son back!"

"It's perfectly acceptable for a King to show off his heir," sniffed Thorin. "And he was a very strong babe, if you recall."

"Oh, I recall very vividly," snarked the princess. "After all, it was me who pushed our dear Fíli's big head out of my overstretched body, not you. Honestly, males, they're a bunch of crybabies at the best of times."

Glóin's wife nodded in sympathy. "Aye, aye. It took me nearly two whole days to push Gimli out. And then his bloody father had the nerve to just run off with him! One is more than enough for me. If Glóin wants any more, he'll have to find a way to do it all by himself. Maybe that wizard can help him."

"No male in their right mind would ever do that," said Bilbo as he looked down at himself. The mere thought of childbirth was enough to make him nauseous and Bilbo was very relieved that he'd been born into this specific gender. "I've never understood my aunts and cousins. Some of them have more than ten children!"

Both women groaned at the implications. "Those brave, brave souls. Gimli laid on my spine for months. And then pushing out his fat head..."

"Amad!"

"What? It was an extremely difficult task," reasoned Dala. "And Gimli was just a few inches shy of being the same size and weight of a human infant, too. Very healthy, of course, but excruciating to bring into the world."

"And that's why I'm very relieved that I was born with a penis," said Fíli from his place on the other couch. "We're a straightforward and simple lot, us males. Much less...painful, if you ask me."

Thorin grumbled in thought. "I wouldn't have minded a niece..."

"Then you'd better find a mysterious, long-lost sibling to do all the work for you," said Dís with a dignified sniff. "Or another halfling in Bilbo's family to adopt. Three boys should be more than enough for you, brother dear."

"Ugh, no, Frodo's more than enough," stated Bilbo without hesitation. "And it's a very rare occurrence for faunts to be orphaned in the Shire. Nope, Frodo will just have to make due with Fíli, Kíli, and Gimli. And it seems that he won't be wanting for playmates until the next batch of dwarflings comes along, anyways."