I still remember the last night I saw him in his dreams...
December 11th, 1986
Dearest Keeper of my Dreams, this is the last time I saw him…
I feel as if I could not keep this up. It hurt me so much since that first wintery night over ten years ago. I know I can never be with such a remarkable man, but, I felt as if I should have saved him one last time…
“Steven...” I murmured to him as I stood in the corner of his bedroom. All I could see was his soft pale skin over the sheets in his bed. The glow of the moon seemed to heighten his beautiful grace. Everything about him seemed to call to me, like as if the cold evening air seemed to whisper sweet-nothings to lure me into him.
Stepping out of the shadows, I looked upon his nudity, only to smile softly. I was not in my actual true form, but I did not want to be. He needed the one that I wanted him to see, the human side of me. My hands reached out to him as I watched him struggle with his nightmares like he did so many other nights that I visited him. I frowned so deeply at that moment because I knew what he was dreaming…
My hands were cold from the night air as the midnight blue smoke consumed me and turned me into it. This smoke wrapped around him, only leaving my blue eyes for him to see if he awoke during this moment. Soon, I was in his dreams wearing my usual navy blue suit and tie with my leather loafers. I saw him, running away from a gigantic macabre monster that chased him, spewing out venomous words of hatred and sorrow. I frowned for he was only suffering from himself; from his inner demons. The entire place was as if it were Hell itself; volcanoes spewing lava, boiling hot floor, trees and other beings ablaze…
I wanted to help him…I…I wanted to save him. He was just a suffering soul who needed me to capture him and take him away from all of this. When I ran up to him, I wrapped my arms around him to only spin rapidly. The spinning soon caused the scene to change to his bedroom but was not really in reality. He was still in his slumber. Where we ended up was his bed; he was sprawled out completely naked like he did in reality. I laid there, fully clothed, next to him and ran my soft hands through his messy, sweaty hair. He was so handsome with his dark brown hair and his lusciously blue eyes. They nearly resembled mine but his held the bluest of skies. I bit down on my bottom lip to soon smile as I noticed him doing the same. I knew he wanted me, but this time, I wanted him more than he would have ever known.
His hands were like seduction as they wrapped around my small waist. I swallowed hard as I felt like a little school boy with a crush on his teacher. He knew how I felt about him and I knew he felt the same way, but was it just the fact that I was an Incubus that brought him in? No, it was something more, something real within his heart that I could feel beat beneath my hands. I placed my right hand on his left cheek and pressed my thumb to his lips to hush him from even speaking.
“Hush now, Steven. The monsters are gone for the night…” was all I whispered to him. A smile grew upon his sweetly bright pink lips. We looked into each other’s eyes for what seemed to be an eternity as I felt his hands slide over my shirt and pulled it slowly from its tucked in state. I felt his warm soft hands brush against my muscular abdomen lovingly. Breaking the silence I held on him, he spoke in his delicious British accent. “Payton, you always seem to save me when I am at my worst. Why?” His question only caused my heart to sink. He had no idea who I really was. “That’s because I am only a dream, a perfect man for only you.” I said to him, but I wanted to tell him the whole thing. I wanted to just pour my entire heart and soul into this man since he had done that for me. A few tears welled up in my eyes as I smiled brightly at him, feeling myself pulling towards his gravity; as if I were being completely consumed by him.
Kissing me, he pulled my body into his as if to swallow my soul and meld it with his. Oh, if only he could have done that…
The moment lasted for so long and I wish I could have kept it that way. His loving embrace could always sooth away my every woe. His lips soon trailed with soft kisses down my chin and onto my neck, nipping ever so lightly at the skin. “I missed you.” He breathed through his lips that smoothed across my collarbone. I let out a soft moan but tried to keep myself composed. I said nothing, knowing that if I said any of this, I would not be able to pull away from him…ever. My hand that was on his cheek slowly moved up to his hair, running my fingers through it. I knew he loved it when I did that. He told me it makes me feel wanted, and that’s exactly how I felt. I wanted him, only him.
We parted our lips and our tongues magnetically slid to one another, as if it were meant to be that way. My mind seemed to turn to smoke as the fire of our love burned massively around and in us. He always did this to me; always making me weak at my knees and sweeping me off my feet. He pulled back from me and looked into my eyes with a bit of a frown. “What’s wrong, Blue?” he asked me, which caused the tears that I was fighting back to stream slowly down my cheeks.
“I…I have something to tell you,” I whispered, clearing my throat afterwards to hold back the sobs a bit longer. “I am not who you think I am.” Steven just looked at me, moving his hands from my torso and to my face, grasping it and wiping the tears away. “Just say it, Blue. Please…” he said to me firmly. I stared into his eyes, losing myself and spilling everything, which I completely regret to this very day.
“I’m an Incubus. I go into people’s dreams, eat their souls, and fill them with my seed. But you, my sea, have sucked me in and filled me with your entirety. I just…I can’t keep doing this since I-” I stopped myself before I could even finish. I could see the hurt, betrayal and sadness filling his eyes. “I love you, Steven Morrissey. But I can’t ever be with you completely. It would ruin you completely. All these years I have drowned myself in you and I wish with all my might that I could be yours foreverbut I-” I stopped abruptly as Steven pulled from me and rolled to his stomach, sobbing hard. I could feel his heart break within myself. I sat up with my shirt slipped out from my pants and my hair a bit of a mess, staring down at him as my own sadness flowed from my eyes.
“Steven, my sea…” I uttered through my sobs. He kept silent and I soon realized I was in reality again. He was asleep but sobbing hard as well. I slid off the bed and stood. I left myself unfixed and muddled up, too sad to actually tidy myself.
“I love you, my sea. Please, never forget that I will always exist. One day, I hope to go into your dreams for one last time…to save you and love you like I always have and always will.” I said to him, knowing he could hear me as I walked away, my smoke encasing me rapidly but leaving the scent of my cologne and the sound of my never-ending sadness.
Right now, I leave you with this, “When the lovely flame dies, smoke gets in your eyes.”
Until tomorrow night, Keeper of my Dreams…
- Payton Emsworth
After that, he wrote a song called, “Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me”. When the song was released, I went and saw him, like I promised I would. I asked him why he wrote the song and how I loved it so; he said it was about me and that he was moving on with life…as for me? Well, let’s just say I will never get over him. I will never get over my sea; my Morrissey…
