Disconnect | A Poetry Chapbook

9 | Who Am I?

Sleepless nights
And days pass by without poetries
Never thought I, would see through life
And feel my soul trapped in the trees.

The sun looks and retreats
The energy I am gifted is a sword
Double-edged; something I wonder
Sometimes, if I deserve to afford.

The trust in place
Sacred and natural; too much
What if I doubt the obvious
That the shine is too bright to be such?

If the tradition is true
And the narrators are honest to God,
Then why can't I
Break down the bar and even the odds?

Who is it
With a cynical aura full of confidence?
Light upon his chin, right across the glass
Rediscovering; not the abilities but the sense.

~ Ithmam Hami, 28th April, 2023, 4.45 am

Explication

The poem tells a story of an insomniac young academic treading inside himself to figure out who he really is and where his strength lies. Insomnia is as vile an issue as other sleep disorders. My sleep pattern hasn't been healthy since maybe I got a phone in my hand. I admit that it has been my fault sometimes whereas other times, it was a disease that I could clearly diagnose and had become sick of.

I was struggling to meet an academic deadline at the time I wrote this poem. I have been writing poetry everyday for 10 months now. But for some academic obligations, I wasn't being able to make time to write anything for a consecutive few days- breaking my streak of writing everyday for 7 months. That sudden interruption to my routine on top of my nightlong workload exhausted me. And "Who Am I?" came out of the pen one night.

The opening verse hence refers to my lack of sleep and poetry writing.

In the second verse, I wonder about my talents because it was one of the rare moments when I was feeling a little positive about myself. The lines-

The energy I am gifted is a sword
Double-edged; something I wonder
Sometimes, if I deserve to afford.

I had written to imply how I doubted my bipolar character issues with a metaphor of double-edged sword and also my sense of overachievement that they bring along.

I follow up on that in the next two verses as I resent the expectations my surroundings had put on me and keep my suspense as to how if I'm so special, nothing outstanding is being produced by me. Find them in my writing-

What if I doubt the obvious
That the shine is too bright to be such?

Or,

Then why can't I
Break down the bar and even the odds?

I wrote the final verse in front of a mirror in my darkened room. As I was writing on the phone, the light from my phone screen flashed upon my face as I was standing on this side of the glass. The mirror face that was lit gave me a bit of hope for myself- rejuvenating me not to act out everything I was capable of but to regain a form of fierce confidence that I probably just can be myself, if I apply myself.

When I look back at this poem, the journey that it takes me through is painful reminding me of those sleepless nights; yet somehow inspiring when it's read and done- making me wish that I met that mirror self again.