Rose Bridges

Fifty five

Carmen
Four months later
September

"Ma," I call out as I open the front door and close it behind me.

"Hola mi niña como te fue clase?" she asks as she comes out from the kitchen.

I smile and go to hug her. "It was good. Professor Ruth is one scary woman that's for sure."

Ma pulls away from me and kisses my cheek with a smile. "Well I'm glad your day went well. Got any new books from their book store?"

I open my pink purse and pull out two vintage covers of Jane Eyre and Persuasion.

Harvard has the cutest book store ever.

Her eyes widen and she grabs them from me. "Oh how pretty."

I grin and nod. "I know right. The gold outline is so gorgeous."

"Definitely." She hands them back to me. "Stay here, I have to give you something."

My eyebrows pinch, confused, as she walks back to kitchen and leaves me standing in the foyer.

When she comes back I look down to the book in her hands and my eyes widen.

Huh?

Hesitantly, I point to it. "Isn't that..."

She nods with a sad smile as she pushes it into my hands. "I went to visit him earlier and he said he wanted you to have it back."

My finger tips gently graze over the blue cover and I feel that familiar heavy emotion choking me.

It feels like he's been gone for years despite it only being six months.

I try to visit him as much as I can, but with the semester starting it's been a bit harder because I always have something to study for or an assignment to do or something for the debate club to work on.

We do send letters back and forth all the time though, especially when I can't go to visit.

I haven't seen him in almost three, at least in person. We've been able to talk virtually though. Which is better than nothing.

Just thinking about him in there will always make me sad. Him having to spend his birthday in there last month. Me and his sister sending him pictures from Mariana's third birthday party that he missed. Him missing graduation.

The thought alone gets me choked up.

"Thank you," I tell ma as I wrap an arm around her and pull her to me for a hug.

She hums. "I'll be making dinner if you need me."

Once I'm in my room I immediately drop my bag and sit on the edge of my bed as I look down to the journal in my hands.

Tensely, I crack it open and watch all the pages glide past my fingers. Each one is fully written in with black pen.

I pause as I stare at it in my hands.

He gave me this.

He trusted me to have this.

With my heart beat in my ears, I go to the first page. A little note slips out and falls onto my lap.

My jittery fingers unfold it and my eyes train on the slightly smeared black ink.

Hi Carmen,

I finished the journal, every goddamn page is filled up and I ran out of fucking room. I know you told me that you gave me this for me to keep and for my eyes only, but I want you to have it. Everything I've always been too scared to say is in here, shit that I've been trying to move on from. Whether you wanna read it is up to you. But I want you to have it. See every stained part of me, I trust you with them all. I love you.