Wattpad (A Novel: Parody)

(10) Bad boy gifts an unicorn

"He did what?" Erin stares at me over her fish taco. "You did what?"

"My...my first big O," I manage to blurt. "During the lecture. It was mortifying."

Her eyes widen. "You can say that again."

After my disaster-slash-epiphany of a class, I called Erin for an emergency meeting at Gabriel's Wrapture, our favorite Mexican place on campus. Now we're dissecting the experience over dinner.

"I can't believe he just left me there," I utter into my fajita, which is swollen with pink meat.

"Anyone would think he's an exhibitionist with a humiliation fetish."

"Like that happens." I snort, and we both laugh, but Erin's chortle has this sour tone to it like I'm really stupid and can't see what's in front of me. I know exactly what's in front of me: a heap of lardy Me-hee-can goodness and a jealous whore.

"That V card isn't going to last long," Erin says fortuitously.

"You're right." I begin to panic again and put down my fajita. Looks like my lack of eating issues have kicked in. "Oh, Erin. I just don't know if I'm ready."

"This is Ryder von Stone we're talking about-I'm not sure he cares."

"Mmm." I nod, confused. "It's strangely alluring."

"When are you seeing him again?" she asks.

"Tonight, at eight." I panic some more-that's three hours away! "And I have nothing to wear, Erin!"

"Don't be ridiculous. You're wearing clothes right now." She rolls her eyes.

"I wasn't being literal."

"Think of the fashion-starved third world, Zoe. They're the ones with nothing to wear," she scolds.

"You mean like on Here Comes Honey Boo Boo?"

She takes a massive mouthful of taco and talks through the food. "That is precisely what I mean."

"Oh. Okay then." I pause to stab a straw into my Pepsi. "So what am I going to wear?"

"Where's he taking you?"

"He doesn't really do details," I mutter.

"Well Jeez, you're a bucket of help and a half." She steals a slurp of my drink. Erin's too cheap to buy her own. "He was in a German band, right? Maybe lederhosen?"

"Now who's the bucket of help?"

"And a half." She wags a finger at me. "And a half."

* * *

By eight o'clock, I'm primped and purty and ready to go. After I feed Rule, I lie down on my bed to read, hoping I'll feel a little more composed by the time Ryder arrives. I mean, tonight could be the night. Rule's still looking kind of dead and vacant, and his water is going cloudy. Huh. Sure hope we go back to Ryder's for the horizontal tango because staring into that aquarium will not be sexy.

At eight on the dot, Ryder gives his signature three knocks on my door and I leap off the bed to let him in. Tall and robust in the doorway, he smells like a surly grin and is expensive body wash from ear to ear. Or something. Hellooooo, Crotchy von Pouty Pout.

"Gosling." He dips his head and plants a warm kiss on my neck. "Looking especially hot tonight."

I giggle. "You like my lederhosen?"

He stands back and squints at me. "You're a brave girl."

"Oh, Ryder." I reach up to wrap my arms around his neck.