A PLACE IN ME

Chapter three.

After wallowing away in self-pity for another week, it was time I faced the real world; I got a job. If we're being specific, I got my old job back. I used to work in a cute little book shop just down the road and I loved everything about it, until just over a year ago, when the shop expanded and moved to the city. Of course, this was exciting to begin with, but after a couple of months, when everything changed for me, I didn't have the motivation to drag myself there every day anymore.

Thankfully, my old boss Maria was still there, and she was more than thrilled when I called asking for my job back. She actually tried to get me to start that same day, but I told her I needed time to mentally prepare, trying to shrug it off in a funny way. She laughed and played along, "I won't bother asking how you've been then."

I felt warm inside entering the shop. It might be bigger than the one in my hometown, but it still had the same smell, and the same friendly face at the checkout. It was like my body was transported back to its comfort place.

"Jean Devlin, no fucking way!" Emma came out from behind the desk and grabbed me into a hug. I've never really been a hugger, but I wanted this one.

"In the flesh," I smiled.

"I thought Maria was joking when she said she re-hired you."

"I almost wish she was."

Emma threw her head back in laughter. When I first started at The Reading Nook, Emma had been working there for 6 months. She was two school years above me and I always thought she had one of those faces that give the impression that person does not want to speak to you. But I quickly discovered that Emma loved talking, and she was one of the only people I knew that was equally as good of a listener. I hope she's still like that.

"I am so glad to see you're still here," I couldn't help the corner of my lips turning upwards. "What about Norman?"

Norman was the only other long-term employee I knew. There was always the 4 of us; me, Emma, Norman and Maria. Part time staff would come and go, usually students who would work the weekend, but I didn't get to know any of them the way I knew the full-time staff.

"Still here!" She was beaming, "and he'll be super happy you're back too. He's in tomorrow. Are you doing full time?"

"I'm not sure. Probably a couple of days a week for the first while and then back working Monday to Friday when I'm ready."

"Yeah, of course, it goes without saying, Jean. We were all really sorry about what happened to-"

"Thanks," I immediately cut her off. I can't hear his name today. "Really appreciate it. Is it ok if I just start by having a nosey around the store today? I want to see what books we have."

"Of course! Take your time, we've got loads of good ones in."

I had missed this place. The books are all sitting perfectly on their shelves, displayed spine outwards, in alphabetical order for each genre. I'm walking around, familiarising myself with the aisles, when I notice a book club poster on the wall. I used to organise the book clubs here, Laura would always come too. Wednesdays were always my favourite day of the week for that reason. I wonder if she still goes and just hasn't mentioned it.

My ex beloved book club is now on Mondays, and it's organised by a girl called Katie, so the poster says. 'Who wants to read on a Monday?' I silently ask myself, before remembering I used to read every day and never just Wednesday's. But I'm still angry the days been changed. It's a subtle reminder that everything moved on while I was stuck replaying the same event over and over again in my head.

I shake myself off and continue my shop tour when I notice a familiar looking boy, standing in the corner, clearly pondering over whether to purchase the book he's holding or not. It's so hilarious that I could tell Finn reads in the first 3 seconds of meeting him that I almost laugh out loud. I think I would have if I wasn't equally as horrified that he's standing in my bookshop.

His head lifts up and I question whether I actually did let a laugh slip by accident, but he looks so deep in thought that he doesn't even realise. His head almost immediately drops back to the book. My heart falls a little when I notice it's The Great Gatsby that he's holding. Jack wasn't much of a reader but that was his favourite movie. One of the first we watched together. It's not the regular book he's holding though, it's a special edition. Which makes sense because the person I pinned Finn as, upon our first meeting, would have already read a Fitzgerald classic.

I don't have time to decide what to do next, because amidst all of my thinking, he must have noticed my presence. He's now standing in front of me with the smirk on his face that I just knew he would have.

"What are you doing here?" I speak first.

"This is my favourite bookshop. What are you doing here?"

"I work here."

"I would have seen you."

"I just started today."

"Interesting," I can already tell he is amused. I must find a new job.

"Probably not for long though. I'm sure you don't go to every bookstore in the country." He laughs when I am not trying to be funny.

"I might take up a new hobby. Rating all the bookstores in Ireland."

"I guess I'll have to move countries," I walk away, mentally begging him not to follow me. He does and he's still carrying the book in his hand. "Are you going to buy that book?"

"I can't decide."

"We're closing in 5 minutes."

"No, you're not, Jean. I said this is my favourite store, I know the opening hours."

I don't reply and instead, I shoot him a glare. The type of glare that a man could only interpret to mean please please please leave my bookstore; I'm fucking begging you. It is not the type of glare that invites him to stare back at me the way he's doing right now.

"Do you think I should buy the book?"

"What's stopping you?"

"I already have the classic version." I knew it. "And I'm not a huge fan of The Great Gatsby." What?

"What?"

"I said I'm not a huge fan-"

"No, I know what you said," I am immediately outraged because I associate that book with Jacks' favourite movie, "I just don't understand."

"It's not a bad book, I just think he has better books. The movie isn't bad either."

"Don't talk about the movie." My initial reaction was to hate the fact he doesn't necessarily like this book. Or the movie. But then I imagine how it would feel if he turned around and said I love this book, this is my favourite story. I think I actually would be sick this time. I get mad when people differ from Jack but I get an overwhelming feeling of rage thinking that someone could be similar to him. No one could love things the way Jack loved them. Even if it was just a movie adaption of a book.

"Sorry?" he offers, but I'm already half out the door.

"I'll be back tomorrow, Emma!"