I might just shit a brick.
As if all of the emotions from my near miss with Alice weren't enough, now here I am, getting my stuff out of the back of a police cruiser, about to go knock on Ben's front door.
I'm sweating in places I didn't previously know before that I even could sweat. And despite the fact that I haven't eaten in hours at this point, my stomach churns with nerves and I feel like I could puke any remaining food left inside of my stomach at this point.
"Have a good night." The officer tells me as I close the car door and I watch him slowly pull away.
The entire complex of townhomes are completely decked out with different colored string lights and blow up Santa's and mechanical reindeer moving their heads up and down on the small patches of yard in front of each home.
I can smell that someone has been cooking out earlier in the day by the way the smokey scent clings to the breeze that whips my hair around my face and makes chimes ding in the distance.
Ben's neighbor's are still up, the faint sounds of the tv seeping out into the night.
I just stand here, staring at the front door and the green and gold wreath hanging on it.
I can hear movement from inside but my insides are doing so many summersaults I'm sure it's about to be recruited to the US gymnastics team any second.
"Get a grip." I whisper to myself. "This is no big deal."
Realistically, I know it hasn't been that long since the first time I showed up here and barged my way into this house. However, it feels like it's been a lifetime and I don't know what to make of those feelings.
It's like I've missed this place so much, but I can't bring myself to just knock on the door and see them.
Ben and Elizabeth.
The high points of this whole trip.
It's not like they're strangers.
It's not like the few weeks I've been gone have changed every single thing about them or us or really anything at all.
I've basically in some form or another been in contact with Ben every days since I've left, and though Elizabeth can't technically be in contact, I've seen her face every single day since I've left.
This is no big deal.
But then why the hell am I so afraid right now?
I don't even get the chance to pull myself together before my breath hitches as the sound of the deadbolt turning and the door slowly creaking open.
"Hayden?" Ben's voice comes from in front of me and I lift my eyes to see him standing there.
In the flesh here he is again and just like the first time when I really looked at him and I instantly felt that spark of recognition, it happens all over again.
That rush of knowing what he is to me.
Of knowing how he changed my life without ever knowing.
Of knowing the secret that lies between us two.
"Hi." I say lamely, shrugging my shoulder and nearly letting my bag slip off of it before I have to grab it.
I let my eyes take him in, standing in front of me again. Just like I'd already thought ti myself, it's not truly been that long since I saw him last, but looking at him now feels like laying eyes on a best friend you haven't seen in years.
I feel the air sort of whoosh from within me and the tightness in my shoulders subsides.
I guess his mom's badgering finally got to him because he's gotten a haircut since I've seen him. His messy brown locks and cut closer to his scalp, no longer obstructing the few to his warm brown eyes.
