Boy: Lady if you give me a dollar my brother will imitate a chicken.
Lady: What will he do- cackle?
Boy: No, he won't do a cheap trick like that. He'll eat a worm.
_______________________
"I finally got my brother to stop biting his nails"
"How?"
"I made him wear shoes"
_______________________
Sister: Mom wants you to come in and fix dinner.
Brother: Why is it broken?
_______________________
Patient: Doctor, remember that bottle of pills you gave me to make me strong?
Doctor: Yes I do
Patient: I can't get the cap off the bottle
_______________________
Patient: Doctor what should I take for a splitting headache?
Doctor: Have you tried glue?
_______________________
Doctor, can you help me? It's my hearing. I can't even hear myself cough.
Doctor: have this prescription filled.
Patient: Will it improve my hearing?
Doctor: no, but it will help you cough better.
_______________________
Boss: What do you mean you were the big gun in the industry?
Job Applicant: I've been fired a dozen times.
_______________________
Teacher: What kind of birds is found in captivity?
Student: Jailbirds.
_______________________
"My brother is so dumb"
"How dumb is he?"
"He got a pair of skis for his birthday. Now he's looking for a lake with a hill in it."
_______________________
The captain of a sinking ship called the passengers on the crew of the ship together and asked: "Is there anyone here who can pray?"
One passenger said, "I pray all the time."
"That's great," said the captain, "because we're short one life preserver.
_______________________
News Bulletin: A supermarket was robbed last night of 30 sacks of carrots and a bushel of garlic. Police are on the lookout for rabbits with bad breath.
_______________________
"I keep thinking today is Monday."
"Today is Monday."
"I know, that's why I keep thinking it."
_______________________
Visitor: Does your dog bit strangers?
Home Owner: Only when he doesn't know them.
_______________________
"Remember that piano stool you sold me?"
"Yes. "
"Well I twisted it in all directions and still can't get a note out of it."
_______________________
Ernie: I heard your father was a conductor. Was he a railroad or an orchestra conductor?
Bernie: Neither, he was struck by lightning.
_______________________
Highway Patrolman: You were going 70 mph.
Speeder: I was only following the signs.
Patrolman: That's the number the highway.
Speeder: It is? I'm glad you didn't stop me on I-95.
_______________________
Speeder: I didn't hear your siren.
Cop: Of course not. You already passed the sound barrier.
_______________________
Brenda and Ruth were playing golf when a bird flew overhead.
Brenda said. "Look at that lovely swan."
Ruth replied. "It was a duck."
"It was a swan" said Brenda Just then a golf ball was hit in their direction.
"Duck!" shouted Ruth
"Swan!" shouted Brenda "Ka-Bonk!" went the ball.
_______________________
Doctor: I have good and bad news.
Patient: Give me the good news first.
Doctor: You're going to have a fatal disease named after you.
_______________________
Ziggy: Last night I heard you ran into a tree with your parent's car.
Iggy: It wasn't my fault. I honked the horn but the tree wouldn't get out of the way.
_______________________
Doctor: Do you drink plenty of liquids?
Patient: That's all I drink.
_______________________
Magician (in a restaurant): That rabbit stew you served me tasted horrible. I'll never come here again.
Waiter: Well that's the first time a rabbit made a magician disappear.
_______________________
"My Grandma fell down the stairs"
"Cellar?"
"No I think she can be repaired"
_______________________
"What Crime do baseball players commit?"
"A Hit and Run"
_______________________
"I heard your brother fell into an upholstery machine. "
"Yes but he's fully recovered now"
_______________________
What is a police officers' favorite board game?
Monopolize
_______________________
What was the biggest horse thief of all time?
Al Ca-pony
_______________________
Angry Worker: Hey my paycheck is short $50.
Supervisor: That's because we overpaid you by $50 last week.
Why didn't you complain then?
Worker: I'm willing to overlook an occasional error, but this is two weeks in a row.
_______________________
Boss: Everything in this shop is electric.
Worker: Well, the low salary gave me a shock.
To be continued......
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