A Writer's Downfall.

Almost

I wouldn't say I'm a happy person.

I also wouldn't say I'm majorly depressed or angry all the time, I'm not too negative.

I'm just messed up. However, I don't view myself as that, but I do. Does that make sense? No? Okay, I know. It's kind of confusing but I seriously couldn't sit here and tell you how I really view myself, it just depends on the day. 

I think I'm messed up because of my whole dad situation, but I think I'm happy since I'm able to mask that, but then, when I'm alone, the mask is gone and it's all just, me.

been a few days since I wrote that last part, but it's real. I feel like in this day and age "real" is the only and simplest way for us to say, "I relate." or "This hurt to read" or really any other way someone can identify with a picture, or some writing. 

I think I just think too deeply into things now, like I sit here and just think. I'm always in my head and that won't ever change. I think. 

Maybe it's wrong to question myself, and maybe that's the reason I think so deeply but putting these things into writing is stimulating for me, and I can almost understand why I feel this way. However, it's always going to be an "almost."

Doesn't that suck? to sit here and always say, "This almost happened," or "I almost..." That just sucks to me. Everything has become an almost for me at this current moment, and it just sucks.

My dad almost made it to my senior year. 

I'm almost done with high school.

That one guy almost loved me.

I almost understood why my dad did what he did.

However, almost is always going to never be an "I did." or an "I know."

Almost will always be, almost.

I hate that so much, you get so close only to humble yourself into the realization that you didn't make it, or that you didn't do it.

"I almost passed." but you didn't. It's so negative and honestly, I feel as if the repetition of that word in someone's daily life just shows how low someone can be, not saying that almost doing something or achieving something is bad but using that word in the same way consistently is challenging. Using the word "Almost" seriously feels so deteriorating to someone's character. I mean imagine always "almost" succeeding in something. That's harsh, because in the end you never did succeed. You always failed, almost is the equivalent to failure and that's so hard to realize. It's so hard to comprehend, and it's so hard to accept. Why did I never succeed, why was it always "I almost" succeeded. 

Writing all of my thoughts down helps me. It's like a secondary therapy where maybe someone can possibly feel less alone, as I've said before, I hope someone can relate, because not only do I feel alone, but I feel lost. In my own mind, I feel lost. 

I wrote a poem a little over a year ago called needle in a haystack, that poem went over how I viewed my inability, and really everyone's inability to help my dad, because although we were all trying to, it was impossible to do. He was a needle in a haystack, and if someone were to find him, they'd quite possibly be a superhero, I don't even think X-ray vision could've found that kind of needle. 

I really hope no possible or future love interests of mine find my writing, I really think I would scare them away with how intricate I think about things, and even so, I don't think they could handle it. Unless they're like my soulmate, however, I'll never know if so.