Mine Still

Perfect

I greedily clutch my sweatshirt in my hands, curled up underneath my sunflower comforter. Rosie is at my side, resting her head on my knees. It's been almost a year, and I'm desperate for a dream.

I just want some closure. I've been having this relationship with a dead kid, and I'm exhausted. I spend more time trying to sleep than living my life. As I close my eyes and wait for sleep to come, I pray. I pray with everything I'm worth that I make it through tonight. Falling asleep feels more real than my life.

I have my days on Earth, but I spend my nights with Alex. The problem is I want to be with Alex more than I want to live my life. Rosie sighs beside me, drawing me back to the present. I close my eyes and press my hands into her fur, comforting myself before I fall asleep.

I do see Alex again, finally. We're walking through our childhood neighborhood, catching up. It dawns on me that I'm dreaming, and for the first time, I'm struck with true awareness that I can ask whatever I want.

"Are you allowed to do this?"

Alex lets go of my hand, looking at me sideways. There's genuine confusion on his face as his blonde brows knit together. Like he doesn't realize that this is out of the ordinary. That he's dead.

"What do you mean?" He asks, tucking his hands in his pockets. I loop my arm through his and pull him to a stop, standing in front of him.

"Alex, I've seen you in my dreams like seven times," I level. "Are you allowed to just come down and visit whenever you want?" It's something I've been wondering for a while now. In the rare times I'm awake I'm thinking about him. It's only natural.

"Not exactly," he reveals. Pulling his hands from his pockets, he takes mine in his own before elaborating, "'There are only two rules. Let them grieve. Let them move on.'" He speaks as if he's reciting from a handbook.

"Everything I've said, I've meant, Ava." A smile overtakes my face.

"You're not good at following the rules," I chide, tapping my finger against the back of his hand. Alex smiles ruefully and shakes his head.

"No, no I'm not. You're mine still." He leans in for a sweet kiss.

I wake up alone. The sun is shining.

For the first time, I open the window and let some fresh air in the house. I don't know what the future brings, but it's the only thing I have left.

That's the last dream I have of Alex Cope.