Just the typical sad marvel thing /Peter

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Peter's pov:
We get home with Bucky. It's around 9 pm when we step in the front door. I see everyone sitting in the living room, clearly waiting for us and they were probably pretty worried. "Peter, Bucky! Finally, we were getting worried. What happened?" Nat asks. I can't answer, I can't even look at anyone. Just thinking about it hurts so much. I don't wanna cry, I don't wanna cry, I don't wanna cry. I repeat in myself but it just makes everything worse and I feel the tears sting in my eyes. Everyone is looking at me, I don't want them to see me cry. I look at Bucky. It makes me feel not that alone because I see the glossiness in his eyes too. He feels the same as me. He can't talk about it because if he would, he would cry. He just looks straight down at the ground. "Guys..?" Nat asks worriedly. "What happened? Why aren't you talking?" Mr. Stark asks. I can't hold back the tears now, they're all coming out, running down my face. I just cover my face and let it out silently. "Kid? Kid, look at me," Mr. Stark tries but I will not take my hand away for sure. I won't humiliate myself by crying in front of everyone. I crouch down and hug my knees. I wish I could just disappear right now.

Bucky's pov:
Peter couldn't handle it, he broke down next to me. I'm just still standing there, looking at the ground. I'm thinking about how I could tell them. I know the team is waiting for some explanation but I'll cry if I start the story. It's already hard for me too to just hold it in me. I'm actually really close to breaking down too and seeing Peter cry again, makes it worse. Tony looks at me concerned, "Bucky?" I look back at him, I feel my eyes filling with warm tears. I quickly look away and squat down to face Peter. "Come on," I whisper to him and grab his hand. We go up to his room and I let him go there and cry himself out. I get myself together too and go back down, I owe them an explanation.

Before I step into the living room and they would see me, I hear them talking. "Bucky had tears in his eyes I swear. Something really bad happened. You know we never see him cry." I hear Tony speaking. I go there and stand in the doorway. Steve comes to me. "Buck... How bad?" he asks. "It's a ten," I answer. "Oh shit," Steve says. "What does that mean?" Tony asks. "On a scale of 1-10, it's a 10, so like really bad." I sigh and sit down on the couch. "So? What happened?" Tony asks, "Come on, answer. Peter's not here now." "Do I look like I didn't answer because of him?" I feel my voice shake. I take a shaky breath and start talking. "When I got there they took me to a room where terminally ill people were. And then I found Peter kneeling next to her..." My throat literally hurts from holding back the cries. "She was dead by then..." I continue with tears in my eyes now. I don't care now, they'll see me cry then. "And poor kid was crying so loud. He never cries loud." I feel tears welling in my eye slowly and go down my face. I quickly wipe them away. "Sorry," I whisper before standing up and going to my room. I lock the door behind me and just lay in my bed, crying. Fuck, they all saw me cry and they all saw me weak. I hate crying so much. And I know that if it starts it won't stop for a while. I cried so much today and here's more of that. I immediately think of the pills. I don't even hesitate this time. I deserve it anyways. I just take all the pills I have and pass out on my bed.

Peter's pov:
It's around 4 am and I still haven't slept much. I just can't. I keep thinking about her and about what happened. I want to cut so badly but I don't have any blades or fresh wounds. I didn't do anything because I thought May would be better and I can rest a little. But I guess not, right? So I sneak out and go outside for a walk or something, to the city. Maybe not just for a walk but who knows if I'm actually doing anything. As I step out and quietly close the door, my face unexpectedly meets with Matthew's face. What the hell is he doing here? And how did he find me? The compound is in the literal middle of nowhere. "M-Matthew?" "You useless shit, how could you do this? How could you not tell me she died?" I sense the sadness in his voice but why? "Why do you care? You never loved her, you said it yourself." "Shut up, liar! She meant a lot to me!" he yells. "And you didn't tell me that she was in hospital either, did you?" he slaps me. "ITS YOUR FAULT!" he yells as he punches me with his fists, right at my nose. Of course, my nose starts to bleed. "You're a failure, useless, liar!" he hits me again and again. "You're a murderer Peter!" he says as he looks straight into my eyes. He really does mean this. But me? Murderer? Am I a murderer? It's my fault, I didn't look around enough, and I made her die, I AM A MURDERER. He keeps hitting me and punching me, but my mind is on only one thing. I'm a murderer. I don't care if he hits me to death, I deserve it anyways. So I let him do whatever he wants with me, I don't fight him. Even though it hurts so much how he hits me over and over again. He's yelling all bad things at me but I hear only one word, murderer. I cry but not because of the pain he causes. Because I realize what I am actually. I killed May.

He starts choking me as he use to, and I let him. I don't fight, I don't hit back. I want him to kill me. I deserve it after all I've done. I feel a faint coming as he still tightens his hand around my neck. I can't breathe. I realize what's happening finally, and I feel everything at once, it hits me like a shock, all at once. All the bruises and cuts on my body and the pain and panic filling my whole body as I feel the faint getting closer and closer. Matthew is screaming into my face, "HOW COULD YOU DO THIS? I HATE YOU SO MUCH!" I hear him now, just before I'm about to pass out. I close my eyes and then I don't feel anything, just blackness and quiet.