Love and regrets

24.

Ellie POV

I sat on my bed laughing at Nikkys silly faces as she was telling me about her pranks on her brother. We started this topic because she asked me about Mark and one thing led to another so here we were laughing our asses off at silly childhood stories. 

My brother and I texted all the time, he rented a place near our house so we got to see each other a lot. Alex is getting along with Mark better then expected. Cole, Alex and Mark turned out to be a trio from hell for everyone around them. 

"Ellie? Can you hear me?" Nikky asked me for the hundredth time today. I just couldnt concentrate today. This morning I wanted to get myself water and turned the water on while holding a glass in the other hand but still turned to the cabinet to take another glass. After that I was searching for my phone while holding it in my hand, I went to brush my teeth this morning and had to return to our bedroom because I couldnt remember what the hell I was doing. I mean, this happened before but it is starting to irritate me because I just cant get a grip.

"Yeah. Sorry, its just one of those days. What?" Nikky laughed at me but still shook her head.

"I noticed your confusion today. I had a few good laughs about it actually." She giggled a little causing me to frown at her.

"Anyway. Did you and Cole discuss everything about the future? I noticed you are avoiding the topic lately." I saw the moment she changed her atitude. Its like she is trying to be happy but doesnt know what to say.

"I love him and everything he does, dont get me wrong I like that he is trying for me and is making space for me in the future but I am not sure I want to live in the future. I guess my head is not in that same space theirs is." She paused making some kind of a face. I think it looks like a cringe but a little weird.

"Dont make those faces you will make me laugh. What is your headspace? What do you mean by that? I am trying to understand." She looked at the wall throwing her teddy bear in the air aiming for the light bulb and repeating that dumb shit. That cant end well.

"I just noticed how all that he is talking about is the future and its like he isnt even trying around me." I didnt notuce that about them.

"What do you mean? Of course he is trying. He brought you flowers when you were mad at him, he drives when you want to go out, he calls when you two cant see each other."

"That doesnt mean he is trying. I mean sure, for some guys that is trying but for Cole it isnt. His mom and dad raised him like that, to him that is the bare minimum, except for the driving part, he does that just becuse he wants to. We used to laugh and make jokes, go on dates like walking around and talking. We never talked about the future, that is probably what caused this change, but we always talked about the present." She paused for a second and spared a glance at me.

"So you dont want to talk about the future with him? Its okay if you are not ready. I just think you should talk to him about it." She groaned and threw herself on the bed.

"I guess I had so much fun that I forgot he had to grow up before I got to that point. I dont see a problem in talking about the future but the future is all he ever talks about now and honestly there is not much space for me in his future. There wont be a place for me there for at least a couple more years. And you saw the changes that happen in just a couple months, I cant imagine several years passing by and both of us to be stuck in now and here." Oh shit I think I understand what she means.

"Fuck."

"Yeah. Fuck." 

"But what if he manages everything in time that he imagined and you are not there so you regret it?" Alex showed up at the door butting into our conversation.