Hello there reader! have you ever gotten to the point where you think your life is falling apart? well if yes, I have to. Elementary was fun I really enjoyed my time there, my friends, teachers and the staffs there. I achieved alot of things in my elementary days. When I graduated 6th grade I was with High honors my parents were so happy and I was to. Ever since that I felt that my life was worth something and that it had meaning. But it all changed when I had to transfer schools, It was a bigger school and had a while different enviornment considering that my old school only had one floor while my current school had five it was a bit overwhelming. At first it wasn't bad I made lots of friends and I adapted to the enviornment to!. Then I was introduce to there grading system, each semester we would have a periodical exam which was new to me since my old schools grading system were very different. 1st quarter exam was stressful I had to study so many subjects, considering my old school only focused on math, science and english. After answering the test I couldn't help but overthink "Did I answer it correctly?" "Did I pass?" "Im I gonna get in honors?". My mental health got wrose day by day from thinking all possible outcomes. I'm afraid that i'll fail and making my parents disappointed. I'm afraid that i'll dishonor them and ill be judged by others. I'm afraid that I can't live up to my expectations. I'm afraid of being a failure. I did all I could to get good grades on quizes and on my tests and activities. I manifested, studied all night and prayed.
Friday afternoon, my adviser was going to
announce the achievers and honors. I rubbed my hands together waiting for my name to come out her mouth...My name got called. My name got called! I was so happy I celebrated with my classmates and I told my parents right after I was happy to see the smiles on there face and the praise. I know your thinking "I guess hardwork does pay off after all, Its a happy ending!!". Not just yet, 2nd quarter was just a pain I was confused on some topics especially in math. And there it was again that feeling of the world ending when theres a solution right infront of you. I started to overthink again..I knew that this would go on each month before the exams until many more years to come. After the exams I was happy because I passed all my exams! and my performance tasks were high aswell.
Thursday afternoon, the achievers and honors were gonna get announced once again. as my adviser announced the names I felt a little confident since I passed all my exams. My name wasn't announced...A tear drop slid out of my eye, I couldn't hold it anymore I cried so hard in my seat quietly, hoping my classmates wont notice. "_____ why are you crying?" "____ dont cry atleast you tried your best!!" "Theres still third and fourth quarter!".
Oh no..they were all over my desk looking at me some of them whispered at the back. I felt wortless, useless and a huge disappointment. "Theres still third and fourth quarter" BUT THERES NO MORE SECOND QUARTER YOU WOULDNT UNDERSTAND SINCE YOUR A STARIGHT A STUDENT. Oh if only I had the courage to say it. I hated the fact they just kept staring if only I held it in a bit more longer.."Atleast your score is bigger than mines!" THEN WHY DIDN'T I GET IN HONORS?
they all said the same thing " You tried your best."
I guess I my best wasn't enough then. I felt like I was under the ocean my classmates voices started to fade and all I could hear was there unclear voices.All I could do was pinch my self trying to convince myself that this is all just a dream. I told my parents about it and they said it was okay, oh I know that they were sad and I just wanted to disappear, My mom started to talk about my grades "You should stop using your phone and study instead". All I could think about is how she always blames everything on my phone. I study I do everthing just to get good grades but I just couldn't do it this quarter at this point I couldn't stip crying I felt like giving up and that I had no chance in surviving the third quarter. The thought of my classmates celebrating and there parents proud parents made me unmotivated even more . I got in a fight with my mom and Im in my room crying and blaming myself for everything and that I should give up .
Im struggling to keep straight A's but I can't give up because academic validation is what gave me a purpose in life. Anything lower than 90 makes me feel self disgusted and worthless. Having good grades were the only thing that made me feel safe and made me feel worthy. Im so focused on my grades that I can't even tell what day it is whether its monday, wednesday, thursday or saturday without looking at my phone. I was never told to have a break and now my grades hold me together and it defines me aswell. Being praised for little things as a child but getting scolded for little mistakes when you got older; everything is just stressing me out and I can't explain it and I just want to run away from all of it. I now realize that even whenyou try your best you can't always get the outcome you want. It hurts that no matter how hard I try I still can't live up to my own expectations. I put so much pressure on myself just so that I can satisfy myself and make my parents proud unti one day I explode. I was always told that I am enough and that I don't need to be best in everything. I feel happy that people care for me and they genuinely want me to be happy but I can't help but follow my head and not my heart.
This is just how life is.
