Little Do You Know...

1. invictus.

POV:  you felt you have something special with someone but just not enough.

I have a curse. I can heal people from within. But the more I do, I lose a part of myself. Because nothing in this life comes for free. Everything has a price. And the price of my love is no one but myself.  I have this overly unquenchable need to improve the lives of people and make them better, to the point it backfires on my own life. Ironic, huh? I pour and pour with no limits only to find myself helpless, clenching on to the tiny drops of gratitude showered on me, delusionally calling it affection. Maybe this is the only way I've known love and maybe the only way I ever will.

Until...the invictus.

The invictus. The unconquerable. That was his spirit. Even for a person like me, his charm was inescapable, and trust me, I know charm, but this enigma was truly amazing, like nothing I've ever felt before. I call him invictus because I find no other word daring enough to encompass the fire of his personality and passion of his very raw unbashed self.

At first glance, he was unreachable. His world didn't coincide with mine, like planets in their orbits, walking the same fixed paths, never intersecting. We knew we won't ever walk down the same paths ever, but neither were we going to different parts too. He loved to win and he wanted more. And I hated to lose at all costs. Sooner than expected, these divergent paths created their own orbit, a path crystal clear to victory. To be the invictus, the unconquerable was the only mission on both of our minds.

First interactions with him? God, I hated the way he cracked stupid jokes, annoying the hell out of me. So I did something better and got back at his stupidity with sarcasm and witty remarks, Mr. Funny Guy would often get offended by.

But at one point, I crossed a line. Maybe offence is not the best defence, after all. He was going to leave because his victory came with a price, he was not willing to pay. But again, nothing in life comes for free. This is the first time we traded parts of our potential. Him his charms and me, my perspective. I didn't want him to leave because of me. It was too much of a burden to bear over a silly misunderstanding, or maybe I became gravely comfortable in the dislike I harboured for him.

Maybe out of guilt, maybe out of lack of choices, maybe out of fear of unknown too, we stayed together, loyal to each other because trust is pricey in the world live, traded left, right and center for nickles and dimes.

I am not intelligent. I am just a little less dumb who happens to be lucky, and boy, do I have the best networking. And this bargains began. He assisted me in my most nerve wrecking missions, which obviously required a hell of a lot of social interactions with his witty humour. And I, like a director behind the scenes, made sure he is the star of everyone's eye while I become a star of his.

Call it selfish or selfless, I loved to see him succeed when we realized the competition isn't against each other, but it's us against the world. The world tried to pull us apart and tear us into pieces, but my oh my did we emerge all the stronger than ever. I guess that's what we had become. Unconquerable. Invictus, when we were Together.

However, our challenges didn't end there. We realized a fundamental flaw in ourselves. Our unity was not characterized by the love for each other. Rather, it was because of the disdain we received from all of the others, which made us bound to each other. We were someday bound to break upon the touch of love in either one's life. And that day came soon.

He met a darling lady - cute but kind of naive, adding a sole vulnerability in his unconquerable self. I met this daring man, unafraid of life, adding one uncontrolled and unpredictable aspect to my ever so overly designed life. Even though we had other people in our lives, our commitment to better each other's lives was beyond this. Things were good. Until they weren't. The daring, handsome, perfect human being slowly was too perfect for my taste. Compared to him, the man was just too much, and hence, things went south. I left the man, once daring and unafraid, for  the hostility of my own mind. He? He was still the unconquerable guy, with that cute girl as his only deadly flaw.

But one night, things changed. Like they always do.

I don't know if he was high or just too easygoing in life when he said things I never believed. Casually imploding my heart, his words echoed, "Are we really going to pretend to be the way we are?"

He put his heart on his sleeve, reckless, first time in years, no jokes, nothing but a gravity of seriousness in his eyes. Oddly enough, just like every day, I laughed it off. Maybe because the pretending got to me so much that I couldn't differentiate between what's true anymore. I asked, still pretending, "I don't know about pretending, but were you? Why?" and in other words, why didn't you confess your yearning before?

"I was afraid to lose what we had."

And that day, he did.

It was no more an "equivalent exchange". No more an "equal trade." Somewhere this unconditionality had seeped between us and it had to stop before things were more complicated than we comprehended it to be. But my deadly flaw did just couldn't help not catering to him. I never stopped loving this person, maybe never will, but hopefully that unconditionality will fade away with time. 

But maybe that's the way I loved. I stood by his side in every small nightmare just to make sure he was safe. Every battle, every mission we undertake , we emerge victorious. Our duo is invictus. But it does leaves a lot of regrets, especially about the moments we never got to have.

I still remember our last mission. It's probably the most challenging of it all. Too much at stakes, and we needed to be the best of ourselves. Flawless in strategies and impeccable in response. There was no margin for error. The last win of us. The first win for him alone, because in my mind, I had already left.

I always believed that if I loved someone, they would know. I made sure my actions were enough for them to feel it. If they realized, its jackpot for me. But if they didn't, i always wondered if its even worth telling to them.

Today, I think I will stop. Someday, this wild ride has to end. This is where I take my leave from his side. Even if the mission was successful, the mission is DONE. It is an end. And I'm gonna put an end to this grieving to my heart.

Maybe, just maybe, a part of him will forever haunt myself. I am what I am today because of his unfaltering faith in me, even if it lasted for a brief time.

If we ever cross paths, I wonder how that would turn out ? I wonder if he still wonder how it would turn out ? Maybe. Maybe not.

I'm just glad that after all said and done, some things don't change. And maybe that's the invictus in him and me. Unconquerable but still shared.