A dream

Chapter 7: Uneasy Dreams

Cyan had always wanted a baby sister. At least, that was what he always told her. It didn't matter whether it was the truth. It mattered that he genuinely meant to comfort her by saying this, by saying that he was glad to have her as his little sister, that it was okay for her to be there, that he wanted her to be there. And she knew it to be true; his eyes were always telling the truth. He had honest eyes. He was someone living true to his feelings, unlike her. Unlike her, he could live honestly to his feelings without having to fear repercussions. His mother loved him, after all, maybe even a bit too much for his own good. Nevertheless, this was his home ground while she was fighting an away game, had always been. And sadly enough, she couldn't even complain. She felt his mother's actions to be justified, though she still hated her.

So she spent most of her time away from home if you could call it home. She spent most of her time with Pania, a girl who had hit puberty too early and had begun rebelling against her parents before there were any legal repercussions, and even then, in a backwater town, things were solved differently. Thinking back on it, there had definitely been some lessons lost.

As Pania grew ever more rebellious and started to associate with other like-minded people from other towns, Nii began to spend less and less time with her. Though, it was rather that Pania had started spending less and less time with her.

It was also around that time that her brother moved to the big city, and Nii began to work part-time just to pay the train fare. She grasped at every opportunity to be away from home, and there always were some: extracurricular programmes at school, volunteer work around town and, of course, exploring nature, of which they had enough around.

Visiting her brother at every opportunity had done wonders for their relationship. From the beginning, he had always been trying to turn them into a real family, though he had been quite clumsy initially. He had been a child. But now, as an adult, he had seen it as his mission to make her feel welcome in his family. He might have realised the seriousness of the matter, though he had never managed to face the truth by confronting his mother. Every child loves their parents, no matter how despicable they are. So he had tried to do right by her, though there truly was nothing to criticise him for. He had always cared for her and had always been honest in his endeavour, even if that very endeavour had been akin to chains wrapping themselves around her neck.

And she, too, had thought of him as family, just as he had. Even though she had never been able to tell him that, she had thought so for the longest time. But she didn't feel like she belonged anywhere, not where he was, not in this country, and most definitely not the country she had been born in.

She had never really known the feeling of belonging, not even when her drunkard of a mother had still been alive, that drunkard of a mother who had used to beat her black and blue. Her mother had been a prostitute and had never really forgiven her for having been born, not even in death. Though she had also loved her, or at least that was what her mother had always told her.

Neither did she belong to that mother of his, that mother that had never quite gotten over her Samaritan complex for taking in her dead husband's bastard child.

Maybe she just didn't like adults in general. They were always lying.

But she did like her brother. Strangely enough, between all the mud and dirt, he had grown up to be pure and clean, as far as that is possible for humans.

'Like a lotus flower.'

His existence was akin to a miracle to Nii, but she still didn't feel like she belonged. She still felt like drowning. She still had difficulties grasping for air. And she still felt the urge to run away, break free, and take flight.

♫

"He really is a superb actor!"

They were sitting on Cyan's couch in front of the TV, watching a movie featuring one of their favourite actors. The actor had become big over the last few years. He was someone their age and had incredible talent.

"He really is and," Nii added, trying to say something more, but as always, she couldn't find the words to go on, and her thoughts were soon drowned out.

"Isn't it incredible how different he plays his roles every time? Like, he's a completely different person."

"Yes! And"

"And he always takes a completely new approach to acting! This guy is really special, I tell you!"

"Absolutely! And the way he acts in this movie! It's"

"Right?! Just look at his face. It's like looking at a different person! You wouldn't think they're the same actor as in that other movie."

Cyan never cut her off. This conversation went quite naturally for the two of them since Nii usually talked like this. She always just managed to work up enough courage to begin a sentence but never enough to finish them.

From when is this memory?

A hazy consciousness echoed in the back of her mind.

From before I left to study abroad? No, I look older. That actor, right...That was afterwards.

They spent the whole day in front of the TV, watching every movie featuring that actor of the hour, comparing his roles, his voice, his mimics, his air, his everything. It was fun.

They had watched a hard-boiled detective story, a thriller, a horror movie, a love story, had just finished a jet-packed action movie and were in the middle of something between the genres. The scene had just changed. The actor was a musician.

Or was the musician an actor?

But that wasn't the focus of the movie. It was a drama, or at least it had a dramatic vibe. He had just played a song, casually chilling with a group of people. Nii could see herself lying there, sick on the bed, unable to move. She could see herself.

The actor, the main character, had left the room and taken refuge on the balcony for a smoke. They were in some high-rise building in a big city at night. You could hear the traffic sound, the noise, the blinking neon lights, and the blinking aeroplanes above as they passed by.

He took a smoke, inhaled deeply and his happy façade from before crumbled. It was astonishing, so much emotion in such a simple act.

"See?! Isn't he truly amazing!"

"Yes, and," she wanted to add something. Something chugged at the edge of her memory. She knew him. She had been there, she had seen him, she had been there. She had been there!

"And remember the scene from that detective movie when he's in the stairway and has that emotional moment? Completely different! This actor is completely crazy!"

"He really is amazing, and not only that, but he's also." I've seen this scene. I've been there.

"He most definitely is! He gives the term actor a whole new meaning!"

"And not only that, but he's also." I'm there, too. I'm there, too. I'm there, too. I'm there, too. I'm there, too. I'm there, too. I'm there, too. I'm there, too. I'm there, too. I'm here, too!

Can you not see me?

The memory fades away.

And with it, her last thought began to dissipate, like the morning mist and dew upon the leaves: 'I've brought you here. So, why are you over there? Why are you over there, where I can't reach? Why are you always out of reach?'

♫