The Girl in Black & White

Chapter III

Sunday went by so quickly that I didn’t even realize it was Monday until I woke up in the morning and made it to college via the local train. I was dressed in black and white formals because I was going to have to go to work too. So how it works is instead of attending college the whole day, I attend just the first two lectures and then go to work because I have to be there by 11 am at the latest. This way I can work and maintain the required attendance criteria. Thankfully none of the first two lectures involved coming face to face with Naman. After attending my lectures, I took a local train to Churchgate Station and then made my way to the office in a cab.

By the time it was lunch, I was already exhausted. Work was non-stop and I was practically drowning in paperwork. Instead of going for lunch, I made my way to the nearest shop that sells cigarettes and tea. I took my usual cigarette and tea and relaxed for a bit. That’s when the phone rang. I answered the call and it was Uma. She’s one of my oldest friends and we’re one of those friends that don’t have to meet everyday or even frequently to stay in touch. We always just pick up where we left off.

“Hey, what’s up? Is everything okay?” I asked, after answering the call.
“Not really.” She replied.
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“Vihaan, he’s back in Mumbai.” Uma said.
“What do you mean back? Permanently?” I questioned.
“I don’t know. But he asked me if he could see you.” Uma said.
“What did you say to him?”
“I told him to have the balls to speak to you himself.”
“Thanks woman, this is why I love you.” I smiled inwardly.
“Always sweetheart.” She said, ending the call.

So Vihaan… Vihaan, Uma and myself, we are a part of the same friends circle. The three of us just met randomly one day and since then we were tight as a pack. It's been almost 10 years since we’ve been friends but the past two years have been kind of shaky. Especially for Vihaan and me. He was in London for the past 3-4 months and apparently is back now. Anyway…

I went back to the office and began working. By the time I finished everything I was supposed to do, it was 1 am. I know, I have a tremendous work life balance. The trains in Mumbai stop working for about 2-3 hours in the night and that was exactly the time I was leaving from work. I tried to get a cab, ola, everything, but I couldn't find one cab ready to go back to my place. That’s when I heard a car honk at me. I turned around and knew exactly who it was. He rolled down the windows of his Scorpio and smiled at me.

“Need a lift?” He asked.
“Yes, but what are you doing here?” I asked.
“Do you want to play 21 questions or would you like to get in?” He asked.
“Fine.” I huffed and got inside his car.

We drove in silence for a while but I couldn’t resist not talking to him.

“Why were you here in Churchgate at 1 am?” I asked again.
“Came to get you.” He shrugged.
“How did you know I was here?” I asked.
“Snapchat Maps.” He laughed.
“Stalker much Naman?”
“Don’t get too full of yourself. I was dropping my sister to her friend's place, saw your location, and decided to see if you needed a ride.” He replied.
“Uhh, okay.” I sighed, admitting defeat.
“You know you should be thanking me right?” Naman asked.
“Thank you.” I said.

“About the way I behaved in Goa, I’m sorry. I should have made things clear from the beginning.” I said although I knew that was a lie.
“You did, make things clear I mean. I remember you slyly trying to slip in the fact you didn’t want anything serious into our conversations.” He admitted.
“So you knew…” I said genuinely surprised.
“Yes, I know I’m an idiot.”
“But then why would you…?”
“Is it so hard to believe that I fell in love with you?” Naman asked.
“You don’t even know me.” I said.
“Okay, maybe I don’t know where you live, or who is in your family, or what you’re like with your friends but I do know you. I know you when you’re with me and I know you when you’re really being you. I don’t need to know anything else.”
“You’re speaking like a child who just wants what he wants without understanding the consequences.”
“I know what I am doing Kashish. I have always known.”

“That’s me.” I said and got down as soon as he stopped the car.

I practically ran into the building I live in trying to avoid and sort of awkward goodbye. As soon as I got home, I collapsed on the bed in my room. My sister and everybody else in the family was fast asleep. I couldn’t really sleep. Naman’s words were literally killing me. He didn’t understand what it was like for me. Even if I tried I couldn’t give him the commitment he wants. I can’t be there with him because I can’t burden him with who I am, or who I have become. After everything that’s happened to me, everything that I have done to people, I don’t deserve anyone or anything. What Naman doesn’t understand is that everyone has demons, but in my life, I am the demon. And you can’t really love a demon.

I closed my eyes and forced myself to sleep.