Right Now

47. There's something about your laugh

Talking to Harry on the phone or via Skype may not have been my preferred method of communication, but over the next couple of weeks, it was a godsend. We managed to chat nearly every day and as well as some pretty deep and meaningful conversations – such as how we felt when our parents divorced –  we often talked about absolutely nothing at all, such as our favourite flavour of Walker's crisps or the best board games we'd played as kids. Harry kept me updated about how the tour was going and Skyped me from the green room a few times so I could talk to the other 1D guys.

We never ran out of things to say, and I often found myself sharing details I'd told very few people, such as how much our family had struggled after my dad left. In turn, he really opened up to me, talking about things such as how he still found it hard to read negative comments about himself online.

"I know I should be used to it, and I can take genuine criticism, I really can, but some of the nasty personal stuff gets to me still," he confided one evening. "I'm nowhere near as sensitive as I used to be, but I haven't really managed to grow a thick skin."

I remembered the heartbreaking video clip from One Direction's early days,  in which he'd got really upset about horrible online feedback about one of his live performances. He said he'd always wanted to one of those people who didn't care what others thought about him, but he didn't think he was.

"Harry, I'm in awe of how you all deal with some of the shit that gets said about you. It must be  soul-destroying."

"It can be, which is why I try not to look at it anymore. I just have to keep reminding myself that most people don't know the real me, and that sadly, there are those out there who just like to say horrible things for the sake of it. I wish people would treat others more kindly."

"Me too," I agreed with him. "But Harry, you're being a great role model – you are so kind to fans and everybody you interact with. I hope people learn from your example."

"Thank you. I can't complain about people being unkind if I'm not kind myself. So I do try."

I nearly said, "And I love you for that," but I stopped myself.  We were a long way off using the L word like that. But sharing conversations like this made me feel that we were really getting to know each other on an even deeper level, and our precious moments spent talking were the highlight of my day. The rest of my time was frantic. I'd asked Gareth for as many shifts as possible, and in between working at the Enchanted Forest, I was studying until my brain hurt, and somehow also finding time to write headings and captions for Cal's photographic book. That wasn't hard work at all, in fact I loved it. But it did take time to research One Direction's song lyrics and find ones that were appropriate for the images.

I thought I was managing okay until a week before my first exam, when panic suddenly set in. I was finding it hard to study at home, thanks to sharing a room with my chatty little sister, and my brothers going through one of their phases of constant bickering that was driving me nuts. There were so many distractions that I couldn't concentrate, and after one horrible day when I hardly got any work done, gut-churning anxiety set in when I went to bed that night and I struggled to fall asleep.

I got up the next morning exhausted but with a plan. First, I messaged Gareth and asked if it was possible to rearrange my shifts so I had a few days off in a row in the middle of the week. Having made up for my earlier absences by doing lots of shifts, I was in his good books, so he agreed. Then I phoned my gran.

"Can I please come and stay with you for a few days so I can study? I really need some peace and quiet to be able to concentrate."

"Oh course you can, my love," said Gran. "It will be lovely to have you here."