Cold Winter Days

Chapter VII

The next couple of weeks are hard, even with Ice next to him every step of the way. Some days, Maverick feels nothing at all, others he spends in a pit of annoyance, but every so often, there's a day he feels okay.
Those days are the best, filled with laughs and sunshine, even if Goose isn't there and he didn't buzz the tower. Somehow, he manages to get by. In the daytime it's the easiest, even if on some of them he doesn't feel like getting out of bed.
The nights are another story altogether. Nightmares, most nights. About anything, anything his mind can twist to something worth losing sleep over, or being too afraid to sleep because of it.
Too many of the nightmares are about Goose, about that day where he last flew, crashing and burning to the sea. Some are various crashes that he's seen happen or nearly been a part of. The ones he hates the most are the ones where both he and Goose die, dragged down by each other into the bottomless pit of the ocean. Those ones make him feel like he can't breathe when he wakes up, almost choking on his own tears. If he dreams of that one happening, he's guaranteed not to sleep for the next day at least.
He hasn't dreamed of Ice yet. God knows what he'll do if he does.

~~~

Maverick stumbles to the bathroom, slapping his hand on the wall to turn the electric light on; coughing and spluttering, leaning over the sink as he tries to suck in air.
Drowning, the parachutes stuck around him, a cold tight grip on his wrist as Goose drags him under the salty waves with him. His limbs powerless to the surge of the currents and the blackness that loomed up to greet him.
He couldn't breathe.
The yellow light above stings his eyes, reflecting off the bright white of the sink and the mirror in front of him.
His legs shake, and he gives up, sitting back on the cold, tiled floor, his back against the wall, trying desperately to ground himself.
You're not in the sea. You're not drowning. You're in your bathroom on the floor. You can breathe, he tells himself, over and over until he finally starts to feel the floor beneath him and the edges of the tiles under his fingers and the hot tears on his cheeks and the air in his lungs. He swallows, his throat dry even though his nose was running and his eyes were tear-filled.
He was alone. Sitting in his bathroom. The night air cooler than what it had been a week ago when he had this nightmare last. He rubs his eyes with his hand, then just leans into the corner of the wall, wrapping his arms around himself.
Alone.

Late one evening, just as the sun was setting, there's a knock on Maverick's apartment door. He opens one eye, not from being asleep, only from being tired, he hasn't slept since he had that nightmare two days ago.
"Mav?" Slider's voice comes through the door.
He isn't used to the way he sounds, so different from when they first met.
Maverick doesn't say anything.
"Mav? You in there?" he pauses, waiting for a response that won't come. "You wanna join me and Ice on the beach?"
No. Yes. Maybe. He thinks. Only he doesn't reply, he just turns over onto his front, leaning on his hands, letting his eyes wander about the messy-looking room.
"... okay," Slider sounds defeated.
Maverick can hear his footsteps leaving the door.
He doesn't want to do much anymore, he's tired, but he can't sleep, his mind always riddled with Goose. Goose is everywhere.
Under the sunglasses that his classmates wear, in the dogtags by the side of Maverick's bed, in the locker room sitting on the benches running down the middle.
He sighs and sits up, staring at his hands. His hair was messy and there were dark circles under his eyes. He couldn't care less.
There's another knock on his door. He has barely enough time to think who it could be before the handle turns and he looks towards it.

"Mav? What's up?" Ice says, concerned.
Maverick just stares at him, not wanting to burden him with the problems of his head. But a sigh escapes him. "Nothing," he says.
Iceman comes in further and sits on the edge of the sofa next to him. "Mav... you look like you haven't slept in a week,"
Maverick snaps. "Maybe I haven't. Why do you care?"
"W-what?" Ice's voice is small.
"Leave me alone Ice," Maverick says, standing up from the sofa and moving towards the door.
"Maverick-"
"Stop pretending you care about me,"
Ice can't see the tear snaking it's way down Maverick's cheek.
"When I know you don't," his voice is low as he opens the door.
"Mav-" Ice tries again, but he's left alone as the door clicks softly shut.