I have many names. Some of them short, some of them long, some of them names that belong to me, some of them names that were given. Some of them sound like my actual name and others have nothing to do with my name. Trying to remember them is like trying to count the starts in the sky. And just like the stars, you can only remember a few of them at a time and only two have any real meaning. The northern star and the brightest star. The northern star is my middle name, pointing you towards your destination and origin. The brightest star is my first name, sticking out at you more than any others.
My first name is Gaelic. It’s Irish. It’s uncommon in America. My first name is Gaelic for vision. It’s a vision for a brighter future. One of peace and carelessness. A dream of the one you love, coming on a stallion to sweep you away. It’s a wish on a shooting star for freedom and independence. My name is full of happiness. It is anxious. It is frightened. It’s kind and warm. It’s a childhood of wanting to be free and different and still fit in. It’s the sound of a wolf crying for someone to find it and at the same time it’s the sound of finding where you belong.
My middle name is Greek for sun ray or shining light. My middle name is the name of two other women. It is the name of my great-grandmother. Everyone says that she was very kind and that we look a lot alike. The other woman is Helen of Troy, Helen of Sparta, the reason that the Trojan War happened. The mortal daughter of the king of the gods. The daughter of Zeus. That’s a hard thing to live up to.
My names were picked by my mother. I think she picked them to spite my biological father. My mother is stubborn, like me. She says that she picked Ashlynn because it’s Irish and Helen because it’s the name of my great-grandmother. I think she picked Ashlynn Helen because she knew that Tim, my biological father, wanted to name me Mackenzie Jade. What kind of name is that?
Ashlynn Helen. That is my name. My name means all the things you can’t say. It is all the words you can’t speak. It’s all the feelings that are deep inside. Ashlynn Helen. My name is a sunlight vision into the future.
