Not Quite the Opposites (camren)

18 - Hasty

There was no Normani or Ally to save me that night; not even Camila.

My independence and my supposed firm grasp of my own life had always been something I was proud of. After I let myself get too drunk to fend Andrew off and prevent what happened from happening, I had begun to ask if I deserved to be or if I was even capable of living by myself. I did make mistakes but it wasn't as bad as a one night stand. There might be an abundance of teenagers who would give their bodies to random strangers but I was never one of them until that night.

I thought I respected myself enough to avoid that.

The epitome of independence, as my mother would say, just became the least reliable person of the family; getting wasted and taken advantage of. And there was no one else to blame but me, my arrogance and my poor choices. I could have stayed with Camila, I should have and I would have but I didn't just because I wanted to please a blonde girl that I don't even like.

It was a mistake and Camila would have said something like the Oscar Wilde quote "Experience is the name so many people give to their mistakes." However, it was a mistake I never intentionally wanted to make. As much as I didn't want to experience it, there was no taking it back.

What happened with Andrew and I had significantly woken me up. It had somehow worked me enough to sweat some of the alcohol from my system. My indignant feelings towards myself, Jette and the boy who never heeded to what little fight I had inundated my bleak consciousness.

But somehow, there's always hope and my redemption came in the form of an inebriated blonde who had grabbed Andrew by the arm and dragged him to her room just before he could get his hands on my underwear.

There was disbelief in my system. Jette had sacrifice herself for me and I wasn't sure if she had any reason to. 

And all I could think of was how fast he'd left to take advantage of Jette and I was left with shame; laying in the bed that once gave me nothing but serenity. His haste to fulfill his primal desires was uncanny and frightening. It may have just been some usual night, or usual guy for most people but it wasn't for me.

I had only managed to cover myself with my duvet and abandoned attempting to put my pants back on. The pain in my chest was overwhelming and it was an endless battle of guilt, anger and indignity. That, aside from the throbbing pain in my head. It had debilitated me and I could not muster the strength to move further but my body uncontrollably jolted as soon as tears streamed from my eyes. I stared blankly at the ceiling, breathing through my gaped mouth.

I had just escaped sexual assault and I couldn't exactly celebrate it. Fear was a compelling monster.

"I'm sorry, Camz." I miserably whispered while I furiously wiped the tears that never ceased to pour. "I'm so sorry."

I was quickly sucked into a hole of self-deprecation and I was digging further down, not trying to climb back up.

What compelled me to get up was the thought of my door being unlocked and more people walking in uninvited. I unwillingly stood up, wrapping the blanket over my body which made the sobbing worse. 

I went straight to my closet and put sweatpants on and Camila's plain, generic looking zip-up hoodie. I had made sure to find the thickest clothes to provide me a false sense of security with the added layer.

I badly wanted to shower to rid myself of feeling dirty from only the streaks Andrew made on my thighs with the pads of his fingers and it wasn't because of the sticky feeling that dried up sweat had left me. I would have relished the continuous stream of warm water on my skin and I'd bask in its calming glory. However, my roommates were awake given the noise they were making. I had only heard the door open and close in succession once and that meant only one of the three boys had left, maybe one of the two girls. I wasn't sure.