My Heads Underwater (But I'm Feeling Fine)

Something about Pride

Tw homophobia, misogyny

{August 27}

Kourtney was at her room desk, bent over a pile of sun catchers she was painting. Her mom had been encouraging her to incorporate arts and crafts into her nighttime routine as a way of relaxing before bedtime. Her anxiety attacks had been increasing at night and she found herself having trouble sleeping and staying asleep more and more lately. 

In front of her lay a group of stained glass sun catchers thoughtfully designed for each of her friends with a card stock, handwritten note that she'd give most of them on the first day of school. Nini's was the first to be finished, being that she wanted to make sure it got to her on time for the first day of her senior year in LA. It was a painted portrait of a globe paired next to an envelope with her new mailing address and her carefully crafted letter for her. 

Nini, 

I'm making different sun catchers for all our friends for the first day of our senior year. For you, I chose a globe to represent how the world is as big as you want to make it, and how many people's lives you've touched across it. I miss you so much and I'm so proud of you. I hope all your dreams are living up to your expectations. Keep making all your bops and come visit soon! And tell me everything about LA!

I love you so much bestie! 

Kourt   ♥️

Her mom knocked on the door as she set her pen down. "How are the sun catchers going sweetheart?"  

"Good, I just finished Nini's. I've got the mailing address and envelope ready and everything." 

"I'll make sure that gets in the mail tomorrow. Anyways I've got some news for you." 

"Good or bad?" 

"Good, at least it should be" 

"I'm listening"

"The empty house next door just took down the for sale sign. The landlord told me on the phone this afternoon that a family of four will be moving in this weekend. There are two teenagers and one of them is your age! You should get to know them." 

Kourtney sighed, "Okay I'll do my best." 

"You don't look too excited", her mom inquired sitting down next to her.

"It's just that, I get so nervous talking to new people when my other friends aren't around lately. I used to be much more extroverted and I don't know why that changed." 

"Social anxiety is a very valid and common thing Kourt. A lot of stuff gets harder when you get older, you'd be surprised at how many clients tell me they see their younger self as more fearless and outgoing and that they miss that."

But the girl kept rambling the thoughts that drove her crazy in her head all day, "My career plans don't allow me to be this socially anxious though, if I want to be an actress and keep this influencer thing up, I'm going to have to be able to think and answer questions on the spot and not appear so terrified in interviews. Everyone is judging what you're saying all the time everywhere, and if you say one wrong thing it gets taken out of context and suddenly the whole world hates you and thinks you're a bad person, and I don't think I can deal with that mom. It's too much, maybe this life isn't for me."

"Kourtney breathe", she instructed. "Celebrities are human, I guarantee a lot more celebrities suffer from anxiety than you think. It will get easier with time."

"Will it though? I can't even make a simple phone call without getting nervous these days, I don't like being so anxious. I used to be such a badass, I would openly yell at bigots and make live speeches in front of thousands with no second thought."