When the Rain Clears ✓

Prologue

[Mentions of Suicide]

Rain knew he wasn't the brightest. In the sense that he was dense, that is. Academically, one would say he was okay —  enough to pass and succeed. Some might even say he was above average when he actually took the extra time to study. But when it came to all else, such as reading social cues, he was a little lacking. And for a long time, he remained so.

Until grief took over.

With grief, his remaining innocence disappeared, leaving him an empty shell of who he was.  And as the years passed, no matter the therapy sessions he attended, he became a man who was quiet until spoken to. A man who relied on no one but himself, even if he was on the verge of collapsing.

Secluded, was how others would describe him instead, as he would lock himself up in the comfort of his home whenever he wasn't at work. And alonging with being secluded, they would say he was a serious one, rarely ever smiling and never, ever, making jokes. He got his work done, became the most well known architect, yet so little remained known about him.

Until now. Staring down at the newspaper, and the title on full display, he felt his throat burn raw. He clenched the paper, before ripping it to shreds and getting up to grab some alcohol. He allowed himself to drown in the liquids as his tears spilled.

—Death of a lover, those words caused the walls he built to come tumbling down. Fifteen years and he still was haunted by the memories. From the words they last said to each other, to the last kiss, he remained them all. And it was painful, so painful.

"Phayu," Rain choked out, falling to the cold floor of his kitchen. He hugged the bottle, his cry becoming uncontrollable. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

He felt his vision go blurry, and despite the state he was in, he felt the need to bring his pain to an end. Getting up in a wobbly motion and leaving the empty bottles behind, he opened up his cabinet and grabbed some pills he was prescribed to help with his growing insomnia.

And he consumed them, just as his pain consumed him. Memories of that day once again playing through his head. 

"The weather is bad, can you pick me up?" A younger version of him had complained. Had he only thought twice before relying on his boyfriend, then maybe fate would have been kinder, and Phayu wouldn't have lost his life in the process because of the road condition.

No one could describe the heartbreak, the grief, and the guilt that consumed him from there and on-wards.

If only he hailed for a taxi - why didn't he do so?

If only he drove himself rather than begging his boyfriend to drop him off in the morning - why had he been such a dependent brat?

If only he didn't agree to overtime so he could've gone home before the storm - why was he such a pushover?

There were endless possibilities. But leave it to Rain to screw up and choose the one that cost the life of his lover.

The call he got that day forever replayed in his mind whenever it rained. And with it, he would remember screaming and crying as they asked him to identify the body of a lifeless Phayu; how numb and broken he was as they held a funeral.

Life after Phayu felt empty. Without him it felt like Rain was merely surviving, not living. Especially when he started accepting that it was him that cost the life of his lover.

"Don't blame yourself," Saifah said, as did most people around him when the years passed but he refused to move on. But who else was there to blame other than himself? He was the core reason for why Phayu had left the world early. And he would never forgive himself for that. His selfishness, his dependence, his existence was the very reason why Phayu's time was cut short.

As tears dried up, he allowed himself to fall to the floor with full force. He was sorry to all those he was going to be leaving behind as his consciousness faded.

He knew it was unfair to do this to his family and friends. It was a cruel way to leave them when they tried so hard to bring him back to the world of living after being consumed by darkness in a world without his lover. But he wasn't strong. He needed Phayu. He needed to be without his guilt and grief.

If the world allowed it, and the Gods could hear him, he prayed - begged - that he could have a second chance to make things right. To live a life where he was not a burden to Phayu. No. Even that wasn't enough. If he were to have a second chance, he would make sure that the two of them never met so Phayu could live a better life, one without someone like him by his side.

Since the beginning, it was always clear he was lacking compared to his lover. So much so that it made him question why Phayu chose him off all people when he had nothing to offer. So many people out there could have been a better option, yet the man allowed himself to settle for someone like Rain. It didn't make sense. And now with his death being caused by Rain, it further proved that the two of them...they weren't meant to be.

'Please allow me to make things right,' he thought, before fully closing his eyes and taking his final breath.