Touch Starved

Chapter 14 - Lost

Author's Note: Depressed Obi-Wan was... interesting to write tbh. xD

WARNING: Depression (major depression), slight (or more than slight) possessiveness, codependency (does that need a warning? xD).

~ Amina Gila

The first few days after Anakin escaped pass in a blur, and Obi-Wan can hardly remember most of them. It's all... hazy in his mind, intermingled with a deep-seated grief, a desperate longing to find Anakin, to bring him back. But it's not safe. It's not safe for him here. It's not safe for Anakin to be with the Jedi. At first, it felt like a raw wound, like losing Anakin all over again, and he had emotionally shut down to it. And maybe he still is shut down to it all.

He doesn't feel very okay. He feels like he's drifting, like he's lost. He feels like he did on Tatooine at the beginning, when even thinking Anakin's name could bring him to tears. Is it too much to ask that he be able to spend time with his child, that he and Anakin be able to actually repair something of their relationship? They were working on it; Anakin was coming back, and now, Obi-Wan has no idea what will happen. He has no idea if Anakin will still be as gray as he was before, or if he'll be darker whenever they meet again.

The Council was upset at Anakin's escape, and Obi-Wan was castigated for allowing it. He didn't apologize; he stood strong and defended Anakin, pointing out that Anakin had done nothing until the Jedi chose to attack him. They instigated the fight. They were intending to kill him. Even though he had done nothing. And by doing so, they pushed Anakin away. Away from Obi-Wan and away from the Order.

Unsurprisingly, Ahsoka isn't taking any of it well. She's upset at the Council, harboring a quiet seething anger towards them that alarms Obi-Wan. Or at least he'd be alarmed if he didn't feel so resigned. He knows that he's depressed, that he needs to pull himself together and keep moving, but... he can't. He's not a Jedi Master anymore. He stopped being a Jedi Master the moment he cut himself off from the Force after settling down on Tatooine. Since then, he's only been a man, and he's tired. He could have possibly recovered and become a Jedi again, but that didn't happen. He didn't let go of Vader entirely and abandon him to his fate.

The Force brought them back here, brought them back together, and Obi-Wan has to believe that it wasn't for nothing. He has to believe that there's some sort of reason for it, because surely, the Force could not be so cruel as to give him a glimpse at what he could have had before ripping it away from him forever.

The Jedi are searching for Anakin, but they aren't finding anything. Anakin is good at hiding when he doesn't want to be found, and now, it's out of necessity as much as it is out of desire. Obi-Wan wants nothing more than to feel Anakin's presence, to know that he's alright at least, but he can't even get that much. If Anakin reaches out, if he uncloaks his presence, the Jedi will feel it, and they'll hunt him down.

With Anakin being gone, Ahsoka has been left masterless, and Obi-Wan has picked up the slack where he can. He's not the best at being a master for her, but he was getting better with Anakin recently, so that must count for something. The biggest problem is that he doesn't really know Ahsoka the way he knows Anakin. They aren't strangers, obviously, but they aren't friends, either. They've never spent much time together, and in the future that he remembers, that didn't change. It only got worse after... Hardeen.

"We have to find him," Ahsoka states for what feels like the hundredth time.

Obi-Wan looks up at her, blinking and rubbing his eyes. He's tired, and he hasn't been able to sleep properly – his sleep is being interrupted by nightmares – but there's still work that needs his attention. And it doesn't help that he hasn't had to make Council reports in ten years. Also, the Council wants a detailed summary of the rest of the war, so he's struggling to put together something coherent.