When All is Lost

21.

"They're going to torture me." I test the idea on Inkspot who tilts his raggedy mouse head at me. He's sitting up on his hindquarters, balancing on my knee that's folded up in front of me in my position against the wall of my cell.

"I'm a traitor," I say and he tilts his head the other way.

I wish he could speak.

The bells of Verene start chiming again, this time they sound painful, clanging against the peaceful afternoon light. I shudder.

Another hour gone. The sun is starting to set.

It's as though I'm swimming in anxiety. Frozen, just about keeping my head above the water.

Inkspot keeps staring at me and I know he's trying to tell me something but as hard as I try I can't understand him. If ever there was a time to open a door and escape it was now, but each time I try to pull him to me, fear rises in me.

What if I can't? What if this is it? No way to escape, no one to rescue me. What if this is the end?

No matter how hard I try - and I am trying really hard - I can't open up a door, or step into the shadows like I might have done before. He slips from my knee and starts pacing in a circle, shifting from cat to mouse to dog in a strange circle of life type motion. The dog chases the cat who catches the mouse who becomes a dog again.

The dog at least has four legs, although I'm fairly sure it's blind.

I shake my head. He isn't helping.

I force myself to my feet. I should have counted the bells and now they've stopped, I can't remember if it was 5 or 6 clashing peels I'd heard. Well, does it matter?

I stand on my trundle bed and lean up against the window. I can only see the sky, but it's changing colours so rapidly I don't mind. It's beautiful.

I watch the shades of peach and amber shift into pink and purple hues until finally, the sky is red. Blood red. I find it hard to swallow.

That was my last sunset.

Tears burn my eyes as fear sweeps through me again. I don't want to be afraid. I want to face tomorrow like the heroes I read about, fearlessly facing down death. Instead, I'm terrified I'll cry, beg, scream. I've seen the traitor's death enough to know there's no dignity in it.

One man faced down everything, he'd been tortured you could see that much, but he held still, silent and I admired him for it. He had rebellion in his very blood. I don't remember the details of his crimes but I remember how he'd glared at the King and Queen. When they'd sliced into him, he'd roared, but not from pain, from anguish. Anger and rage, to be brought so low.

I don't think I'm that angry.

I'm sad and confused.

Should I have said no? Told my dad the Fae could starve?

How am I a traitor for helping the poorest among us?

They betray them daily.

Stars fill the sky, time is moving too fast. I should be doing something I should be, what? What can I do?

The shadows. I need to focus on my shadows. Inkspot can help me.

I climb down from the bed, sit on the floor and call him to me.

Silence fills my cell.

He's gone.

Fear rears up inside me again and I push it down. Calming my racing heart with deep breaths. It's fine. Inkspot must be working on something, he has never left me when I've really needed him.