January

Twenty seven

Sawyer

  "Dammit!" I curse after spilling my second drink. It's been so busy tonight I can't even think straight. My mind also keeps wandering to January. She didn't look good this morning. Her face looked almost grey. It broke my heart. I had to make an excuse to leave the room so I could cry. She is slipping from me and I can't stop it. I have to just sit and watch her disintegrate before my eyes. I glance at the clock again it's the fucking ugly fox monstrosity she gifted me. I hung it above the bar tv. I plan on showing her Monday when she visits during my shift. "I'm going to the bathroom." I shout over to Alice. She nods and I head towards my office. I go to unplug my phone from the charger and check my messages.

  I always leave it on me but it was dying so I placed it in my office. I curse when I see the damn thing is still dead. I check the wire to see a tear in the strip. It was broken and I had to clue. "Boss I need you!" Alice pounds on my door. "Fuck." I toss my phone back on my desk and return to the bar. I need a minute to get ahold of her. People line the entrance and tables are filling up fast. What the hell is going on tonight? I start greeting guests and dish out drinks and food. An hour goes by and things finally start to calm. I pour myself a gloss of water and chug it. I haven't worked this hard in forever, but with Ryker out of commission for a few days I might have too. "Remind me to hire more people." Alice gives me a side eye. "I've been telling you." I shake my head. I know she has, but my mind has been somewhere more important.

  Cinnamon guy walks through the door and I bend down to grab is corona. I uncap it just as the door opens again. My hand freezes on the top on the bottle. My moms frantic eyes collide with mine. I start to shake my head and she covers her mouth. The bottle slips from my hands and I rush out the back. No....no.....no. This isn't happening, she's fine. She's okay. I saw her this morning she is fine! I slam my hands against the steering wheel. My foot is heavy on the gas. My vision blurs but I blink back the tears. She is not gone. I pull into the parking lot,swerving my car into a random spot. I don't even know if I turned the engine off. I run through emergency. "January!" I scream. Nurses and other patients give me weird looks.

  "January!" I scream. Frantically searching for her. "Sir calm down." A woman in scrubs stands in front of me. She looks frightened but she keeps a calm and professional voice. "Who are you looking for?" I run my hands through my hair. "My...my January." She nods her eyes becoming softer. "What is she in here for?" My breathing quickens and I can't think. I don't know. I don't know if she is even still with me. "I- I." My voice breaks and I'm about to fall apart when I meet with someone's eyes behind the nurses small frame. "No." I breath. Bryan stares at me. Standing in the middle of the hallway. He's about to ruin my life I can tell. "Sawyer." He isn't my brother right now. He is dr. Bradshaw. The woman leaves us. I take a step forward before retreating again. Once he speaks it's all over.

  "Please." I feel small. I'm a six foot three man, but right now I feel like a child. "She isn't gone yet." A sob rips through my chest. I fall to my knees. Yet. She isn't leaving the hospital. She's never leaving the hospital. "You should collect yourself, and prepare for a goodbye." I look up at him. My older brother. He is supposed to protect me right? I mean he didn't from our father, but this is too much. He shouldn't be doing this to me. "Please." I beg, clutching my chest because my heart physically hurts. He reaches out and I slap his hand away. "I can't." I don't know what I mean. I can't breathe? I can't do it? I just can't. "She wants to see you." He whispers. That's what does it. I will do anything for her. I stand on weak legs and follow my brother. He guides me to the end of the hall. "I gave you a private wing." He gestures to the door. He pauses a second but then leaves me.

  I stare at the door knob with so much hate. It takes all of my might to turn it, and it takes my entire soul to push it open. My eyes instantly land on the monitors. She still has a heart beat. My eyes take in the room. White walls, white tiles, fluorescent lights. I look at everything but her. "Hey foxy." Her voice is barely audible, and the words don't fully make there way out, but I know what she said. I close my eyes, praying the burn behind them with dissipate. When I open them they clash with her blue ones. That are void of the vibrant shade they use to be. Now they are dull and washed out. But still so beautiful. She is so beautiful, but the disease has robbed her. I cover my mouth and she shakes her head. "Don't." I walk over to her and grab her hand.

  She looks up at me. "I'm okay." She's not, but I appreciate her kindness. She wants to protect me. "How was work?" I let out a small laugh. She is trying to make small talk right now. "Busy." Is the only work I can manage to speak. "I'm going to miss you." She cries. I drop my head to her hand and cry. My body shakes with a sob. I feel a light stroke of her hand in my hair. "You know," she lets out a cough. I go to lift my head to bring her water or something, but she places her hand back on my head and starts to talk again. "I walked past your bar four times that night I came in for a drink." She lets out a small giggle and my lips tug up. "I couldn't find the courage to walk in, but then I was like, January you don't have much time left on this earth. So if he has a girlfriend or wife it doesn't matter." Thank god I didn't.

  "Then I felt guilty about the dying part, so I swore if you wanted me. It would just be a one nightstand. That's why I didn't tell you my name." She takes a long pause. Her wheezing breaths, and the beeps of medical machines fill the silence. "But then we talked, and I knew I would get too attached but I couldn't stop. I wanted to be selfish, because I was getting everything taken from me." I lift my head and watch as she wipes a tear away with shaky hands. "I'm sorry I'm breaking your heart." She whispers. I look into her eyes making sure she hears this. "Don't. Don't do that." I wipe the tears for her. "I'm not sorry. I'm not sorry you came into my life. The only thing I'm sorry for is this world. Im sorry that it doesn't get to have you in it anymore. Im also sorry that I might not be able to fulfil your promise. That I don't think I'll find love again." I squeezes her hand and bring it up to my lips. "You are the only one for me January Rainn." She gives me a soft smile. "My name is ridiculous." I let out something between and laugh and a cry.

  "It's beautiful." She winces and I straighten. "What do you need? The doctor." I got to walk to the door but she stops me. "Hold me." I turn to face her. "I'll just get Bryan, you'll be fine." I go to leave again. "It's time." I lean my head against the door. "I'm not ready to say goodbye." I hear her shift. "This is not the end of us." I rub the heels of my palm into my eyes. The pain is excruciating. "Hold me." She asks again. I walk over to her and lift her fragile body up. She whimpers, but doesn't stop me. I crawl in behind her and let her rest her head against my chest. I kiss the top of her head and run my fingers up her arms, the way she likes. "I love you." Say in between kisses. She tries to speak but the words don't come out. "It's okay. Don't try to speak. I've got you."

  The monitor starts to slow and my heart picks up. She lets out a harsh breath. "Goodnight foxy." A sob gets trapped in my throat. It takes everything in me not to let it free. I open my mouth and the words shake as they slip past my lips, giving her one last. "Goodnight Snow White."