The hot water was sweet relief after too many days spent shivering, finding herself unable to get warm. She reached out and turned the handle of the shower violently, turning the water as hot as it would go, until the scalding water plastered her hair to her head and penetrated the weary muscles of her aching body.
It was over.
It was over.
The thought repeated itself endlessly, until finally it fell into a rhythm with her heart. She concentrated on nothing, one hand holding her upright against the endless onslaught of the boiling water. Her skin turned pink, her breathing shallow, but still she could not warm up. It seemed the cold was here to stay.
Three days of debriefing had taken their toll on Ashleigh, three days of endless sessions with M, and James, and other high ranking personnel, all who had little or no idea of just how close they had come to being wiped out. Questions had been fired from all angles, had the correct prescribed procedures been followed through, had orders been obeyed? Tired, her head slumping further towards the table with every question, Ashleigh had struggled to answer coherently, or at least to give an answer that could be deemed satisfactory. Every so often she would catch a glimpse of James, but the 00 agent had refused to meet her eyes, instead, fresh and composed he had replied in a rational and precise tone, giving thorough, detailed answers that left little room for nitpicking. It was as if he was bored of the whole thing already, whereas Ashleigh could think of nothing else. Had she been right to do what she did? Not only were her actions under scrutiny from her superiors, they were also under attack from herself.
Of course, the Janus situation had arisen. Slumped in her seat, fighting back the waves of humiliation that had crashed over her, she had answered as honestly as she could, but thankfully M had intervened. The situation had been orchestrated by M herself, the older woman had said, quickly on the defensive, and that his co-operation had been a success rather than the failure that the men around the table were willing to declare. Agent Kain had merely been working under M's order's to gain an element of Janus's trust. The steely eyes of the head of MI6 staring around the table had been enough to deter any further questioning. Ashleigh knew she should be grateful to the older woman for getting her out of a tight spot, but part of her was furious that her role with Alec had been so casually dismissed. It had been her that had fought to win over Alec, if she hadn't have been involved, then the co-operation that M had apparently coaxed out of the 'reformed' Janus would never have happened.
Curiously she had glanced at James during this discussion of his nemesis, but James had seemed strangely unaffected, listening to the proceedings with a cool detachment, hardly interested. But Ashleigh thought she knew better, wondered if the sudden tightening of his shoulders were caused by the mere mention of Janus, or if he was just stiff after the mission. As if sensing her analytical dissection of his actions, he visibly relaxed, stretching out, and as he caught her eye, rather deliberately, offering a small, fake smile.
It always came back to him, didn't it? Ashleigh thought as she showered. No matter where her thoughts had led her, they always came back to him, always to the scarred, mysterious man that had so easily wrapped her round his little finger. She had been his pawn in a larger game he was playing, using her to get to James, to get to M, to take revenge on the organisation that had foiled him, and getting her to do his dirty work.
She had killed for him. He had played on her sense of honour, begged her to do what he couldn't do, but that had been a lie hadn't it? If he had truly wanted to, couldn't he have taken out Deronda and Elliot? But Ashleigh had had more of an opportunity. Had he intended to send her out just so she could kill them for him? Or had his reasons been more honourable than that, a genuine desire to aid her and her mission?
