The Proviso

6: Energizer Rabbit

August 2005

"Ah, Sunday again," Sebastian intoned when Giselle opened her bedroom door. He was on the couch watching a movie and drinking a bottle of wine. "I don't even know why you bother going to church. You're not the most sterling example of Mormon womanhood ever."

"Technically, I am," she protested as she went into the kitchen to scrounge for lunch before going to church.

"With your mouth? And your body count?"

She went into the living room to eat and Sebastian put the movie on pause. So. He wanted to ... talk? She looked at the coffee table. His bottle of wine was almost empty and he wasn't using a glass. He must have as much on his mind as she had on hers.

"My vocabulary and the souls I have shuffled off this mortal coil wouldn't keep me from being able to go to the temple if I wanted to."

"Killing a man in cold blood would get you that excommunication you've been bucking for for the last couple of years."

"I thought that's what you wanted me to do."

"I'd settle for quadriplegia."

"Hrmph. I threatened him. Doesn't count."

"Have you ever made a threat you haven't carried out?"

"Okay, look. Say I go to the bishop and say, 'Ready to go to the temple' and he whips out the list of questions. I can answer every single one honestly. I pay my tithing. I don't drink, don't smoke, don't do drugs. I'm honest, I believe in the atonement of Christ-" Sebastian snorted. "I pay all my child support and don't batter my spouse-" He laughed. "-and I uphold the priesthood and the prophet of God. I'm thirty-five and still a virgin. Guess what? Instant temple recommend. And there I go, off to St. Louis or Nauvoo or wherever and make my covenants with the Lord to demonstrate my obedience to His commandments. Except for the husband and kids part, but I can't do anything about that. My mom would be happy. She thinks it'll keep me out of trouble."

"If you do, you'll have to trade in your Victoria's Secret for magic underwear. Bye bye Daisy Dukes, hello board shorts."

Giselle glared at him. "Cut it out."

"And you forgot that general and all-encompassing unresolved issues question."

"I have no unresolved issues. Just because I'm not exactly, you know, leadership material doesn't mean I don't qualify as a good Mormon girl. And what do you mean, bucking for an excommunication?"

"You know exactly what I mean. Your opinions'll get you in trouble faster than murdering Fen will."

That wasn't true, but he'd made his point. Giselle had always been different; she knew it, everybody at church knew it. She garnered respect and friendly acquaintances across various social strata in her congregation, but everyone knew she'd eventually say or do something scandalous because she managed to do it with amazing regularity-usually without meaning to.

"I don't spout false doctrine and I don't foment apostasy. Not conforming to tradition and culture and unwritten rules might irritate people but it doesn't get you ex'd. Neither does having unpopular politics. Besides, my bishop thinks I'm very entertaining."

Sebastian grunted. "Your real problem is you're as attracted to the profane as you are the sacred. You can't bring yourself to pick one and stick with it, so you straddle the fence between them."

That fence had a lot of splinters, too.

"As far as I can see, there's no reward in sticking with your idea of sacred. So tell me something: Would you tell your bishop why all the double-A batteries in this house disappear so fast?"