Dear Riley..
I want to explain something to you. Yes in public because I'm tired of hiding.
No one is fake.
Eric comes online. He still does, I don't know why you think I'm playing him.
Levi came on. Regularly. And I guess I'm sorry if you don't get that.
I know I'm a wimp for not showing you the video of me and Eric to you, but.. I'm a coward, and I don't want to send it, because that's just how I am.
You hate me, I am well aware of that. Remember the message I sent to you explaining everything? It was real.
We both might seem sketchy, and we both might seem not real. But that's me. The fake girl, right? Right.
Yes, I am hiding something and not telling anyone.
Yes, I am incredibly stupid for lying to everyone.
Yes, I'm completely done with stuff
I'm just done with the internet, because a lot of my problems have been sourced from here.
You, not included. You were not a problem to me. Not you, not Livvy, not anyone. Just the drama that's building up.
And I'm causing a lot of problems. A lot of peoples problems.
Inez had made a point to me when we were talking about this whole situation. And you know what? I'm finding myself believing her. That I'm not real. I don't feel like myself anymore
So you know what? You are talking to a fake. Because I'm not even sure If I feel myself being "real" anymore.
Yes, I'm not Ariana. I'm Christina. And only Christina.
All I have to say is, is I'm sorry.
There is not other thing, way how to say it. I'm sorry. TRULY deeply sorry for coming into your life, making you deal with me, and putting you through the ringer. Because when I think about it, I put you and a lot of other people through pure SHIT. So, I'm sorry for the things I did to you. Sorry doesn't fix a goddamn thing. I wish it could.
I just lost one of the greatest friends ever..
I am leaving, and not coming back. Not anywhere. Not here, not Twitter, not Facebook, not even Tumblr. I'm gone. My email.. not even gonna check THAT one.
Why all of a sudden do this?
Because I've come to realization of the shit I'm doing to you and everyone else. I'M the problem.. And as long as I'm here, I wont be temporary.. I'll be the continuous problem.. I have been for the past 16 years of my life. I started problems, I'm the reason for so many problems.. I stress everyone out.. And now I'm one of your problems, and that's eating at me.. So in order to make everything balanced in my mind, I'm leaving.. I've actually been thinking about this for a while..
After all of this, I'm still shaky on the thought of staying, because I want to make everything better, and I want to stay and still talk with you. I want that. But we can't always have the things we want.
I love you.. I know you probably think I don't, but I do.. I love you so much.. Every memory we have with each other always makes me smile.. The times you were there for me when I needed you most, and you helped me smile again.. The times we cried together.. I swear, I hug my laptop just about everyday pretending that its you.. But I guess I have to stop that, now..
Remember how we met? Exactly 7 months, today. I don't think I EVER will forget that. When you were hacking Kari and I wanted to tell her something even though I had no clue who she was. I read some of your stuff.. We talked, just about everyday... I remember the first time I told you about myself, even though it was only one small little thing, you listened and eventually, you slowly told me about yourself..
I honestly cry when I think about our memories, because I know we wont be able to make anymore.. No more giggling at you when you squeaked, no more falling off my bed laughing at some unicorn video you send.. Nothing..
Now you see another one of my reasons why I wanted you to hate me?
Looky here, I've succeeded. With everyone..
Forget me. Please. Just erase me from your memory..
Sorry for everything.. I come off as "I don't care" in this letter, but honestly its tearing me apart inside just writing this..
I love you through the universe and back.. Even if you don't think I do or ever did.. I DO, and always will.
Love you, RIley.. You truly were and ARE the greatest.
-Christina
