My Girlfriend is a Tree

A Few Words From the (Un)Lucky Man

My girlfriend is a tree.

And no, I don't mean that metaphorically. I mean, straight-up, no bullshitting, can't-make-myself-more-clear about it, she's a tree. She doesn't drink water, she absorbs it. The happiest part of her day is when she's photosynthesizing, and she loves sun more than a fucking cat. 

Did I mention the sex is great? 

I'm kidding on that last one. You can't have sex with a tree, what's wrong with you? That admittedly makes the more intimate aspects of our relationship a bit difficult, but I'll not bore you with the details, even though I'm sure you'd love to know.

I don't have to tell you that having a tree for a girlfriend isn't something I wanted growing up. When picturing my future, a pot-locked lover was the farthest thing from my mind. I always pictured having a human as a partner, and I'm not one of those crazy tree-hugging hippies you make fun of when visiting a local college. Hell, I'm actually quite the anti-environmentalist. I never recycle, I always keep the water running when doing dishes, and the only tree I ever gave a shit about before Sofia came along was that motherfucker from Lord of the Rings. What was his name again? Never mind. Guess I didn't care that much.

But it wasn't always this way. No, there was a point in time where she had a head, two legs, two arms, an ass, and even a vagina. She'd tell you she had boobs, too, but between you and me, they were never her most prominent feature. I didn't care though, since she was still cute as hell. With the perfect shade of mocha skin, and the biggest, brownest, most adorable fucking eyes you've ever seen, you hardly had to look past her face before falling completely in love. 

That's what happened to me, and now I'm stuck with a tree. I'm not bitter. Not in the slightest. Maybe a little bitter. Or a lot. It's up to you. But deep down inside, I know (read: hope) it's worth it. That the year we spent together won't go to waste. She is, after all, the woman I fell in love with.