"If you're reading this... congratulations, you're alive. if that's not a reason to smile about, then I don't know what is"
Dear Mother,
the doctor said I should start writing to you. You know, like you aren't gone; like you are just on some good vacations and don't want to comeback. I don't know what hurts the most. Pretending you are still here or knowing that I will never see you again. Eve turned 4 years yesterday, I think you remember that, right? I'm so happy for her because she became my little girl. I know you asked me to take care of her, days before you go. I have a question for you... Did you know you were about to die? Did you? Why didn't you want to go to the hospital? They could have saved you. They could have made you stay with us for another 100 years. You never really fought for yourself and that makes me confused. I thought life was worth living. I can't stop remembering seeing you lay down on your chest, with your eyes opened without breathing. It's quite terryfing to know that you left like that. I'm sorry I didn't go to your funeral. I couldn't stand the fact that it was the last time that everyone was going to see you. It hurts.
I start my senior year tomorrow. I don't know what I am feeling to be honest. I think I just wanna crawl into the sheets and just never get out anymore. I am not good at making friends and you should be here right now to comfort me. You should be, here right now, telling me everything is going to be ok. But you are not. You will never be by my side again. You left me.
I don't feel like writing anymore. My life have been miserable since you left and truth is, I can't put a smile and fake a perfect life when I clearly don't have it. I hate the fact that half of me went missing and I can't find it anymore. I feel... incomplete. I feel empty. Hopeless. Reckless. Lonely. Oh god, I feel lonely and it tears me up inside.
Bye mom.
I love you,
Em.
Hi! My name is Emily. You can call me Em or whatever you want, I don't really care about it. I'm 16 and I'm about to enter my final year. Should I be scared about it? I'm a bit invisble to everyone around me and I'm not the best at making friends. Plus, not trying to play the victim role, my mother just died and I don't feel like pretending i'm alright every single day just to fit in. I mean, that must be wrong.
For you to understand my life in this day forward, you have to understand my life the way it was before.
I grew up in a... I don't know how to call it. My family never was that normal, you know? My dad was constantly working and that's actually something I admire in him. He fights for what he wants and he fought to make us happy no matter what. My mother didn't work, she stayed at home with me and my older sister, Brianna. So it was pretty much it. Me, my sister, dad and mother and even though we had our hard times (who doesn't?) I loved them quite a lot.
It all started to change when my mother started to show suicidal thoughts. I remember when I saw her one day trying to slit her wrists over a fight she had with someone. It didn't mean anything at the time, I was young, I couldn't properly understand what that was but now it all makes sense. It does make sense. And it frightens me how much sense it makes. She always took a lot of pills. Not because she was sick but because she was used to it. She lost her mother very soon, as well, so she always had in the back of her mind, the idea of leaving to meet her again. My mother never had the wish to live intensly; to accomplish her dreams, to do something out of her great and genious mind. She loved to paint and to write. I actually only find out she liked to write when she died. She had a little notebook where she wrote her days, what she was feeling. Almost as a diary. And to see her words, the way she writes when she was gone was something heavenly for me. Maybe she wasn't totally gone. Maybe some fragments of her were still there, in those little dots in the “i's” and the legs in the “p's”. Maybe her smell was still in her notebook and couldn't fade away due to the memories she left there. Maybe.
