Watching Merlin's Life

Chapter 1

I don't own Merlin 

SPOILER ALERT: Starts in S5 Ep13 Diamond of the Day before the Battle of Camlann.

PS: I have made Merlin to be 24 years old now so when he came to Camelot he was 16. Arthur is 27 now so when he met Merlin he was 19.

[KING'S PALACE- ROYAL CHAMBERS]

Arthur's armour is laid out on the table that Merlin is standing next to as he says, "I think that you'll find that's everything, sire."

"Impressive. Very impressive. ....more likeable. Not from you anyway." Arthur said a little shocked but suspicious for the reason Merlin, of all people, actually seemed to have worked hard. 

As Arthur contemplated the reason for this uncharacteristic dedication, Merlin said, "Thank you, sire."

Arthur was coming up short for reasons why, so he asked, "So what are you after?"

Merlin looked genuinely confused as he asked, "After?"

Arthur looked exasperated as he said, "Come on, Merlin. You're the worst servant in the history of the world. Now suddenly this. Is it money?"

Merlin shook his head, still confused, "No."

"No, it can't be that. You already won all of mine. Time off?" Arthur asked.

"Arthur..." Merlin trailed off, trying to find the best way to tell his best friend, though he'd never admit it, that he wasn't coming with him this time. He could never tell the real reason lest he have his head cut off but any other excuse would sound like, just that, an excuse, but he had no choice. He had to get his magic back otherwise he couldn't protect Arthur, for what was he without his magic?

Arthur shook his head at that before saying with barely concealed fondness, "No. It can't be that either. You don't really do anything."

Merlin looked at him for a second trying to get the words out. He never wanted to leave him, especially at this crucial time and he mentally cursed Morgana to hell and back for putting him in this position. He had no choice but to abandon his best friend when it could possibly be the last time he'd see him. He mentally shook his head trying not to think about that as he said, "I just wanted to make sure you had all you needed for your journey to Camlann. For the days ahead."

Arthur nods his head in gratitude as he said, "Thank you." He then looked confused as realisation hit him, Merlin was coming with him, right? He looked at his servant and best friend, though he'd be the last person to admit that, as he asked, "Merlin, what do you mean, my journey?"

Merlin swallowed as he said, "I'm afraid I won't be coming with you. Not this time. I'm sorry. I have an urgent errand to run for Gaius. Vital supplies that I can't attain here."

Arthur felt hurt, Merlin always came with him, no matter how dangerous the journey was and gathering whatever he needed for Gaius wouldn't have stopped him, besides, Gaius wouldn't send him somewhere now, not when he needed his support the most. There was something not right here, but he didn't know what it was, the only thing he did know was that Merlin wasn't telling him the full truth for why he was abandoning him right before the fight of his life, and that hurt more than anything. He looked at him trying to understand why as he asked, "Vital supplies?" hoping that it was actually something important that would justify his best friend leaving him now.

Merlin tried to come up with something reasonable as he said, "Yes. It's...," but he was cut off.

Arthur shook his head as he changed his mind, he didn't want to hear any excuse now. He couldn't bear to think that Merlin, the most loyal and brave person he's ever met, would abandon him for the first time when he needed his best friend the most. Gwen was the love of his life and her support meant everything to him, but she wasn't Merlin, who could crack a joke and make him laugh or suddenly have one of his wise moments and make him feel like everything will be OK when they were in a hopeless or dangerous situation. This was one of those moments, he didn't know if he was going to make it back, or if all the knights, his friends, were going to make it back and he needed Merlin there to reassure him, to smile that goofy smile of his that always brought a smile to his face, to just stand by his side like he's done so many times before. He didn't know what made this time any different, but he didn't want to hear any excuse Merlin had, so he shook his head and said, "No, no. It's fine. It's fine. I understand."

Merlin knew this hurt him, he could see it and hear it from his face and words, and a small part of him felt gladdened that Arthur did care for him but that part died a quick death as he recalled what he had to do and the reason why. He mentally sighed, this was the last thing he wanted but what choice did he have? He tried to say something to appease him, but there were no words that could help but he tried as he said, "Arthur..." before he was cut off by the man himself.

Arthur looked at the man before him in hurt, before he said, "You know, Merlin, all those jokes about you being a coward...I never really meant any of them...I always thought you were the bravest man I ever met. Guess I was wrong." He knew what he said was untrue, he was not wrong, Merlin would always be the most bravest men he's ever met, but he was hurt. However, he knew as he remembered every other time Merlin chose to save his life over his own, that Merlin wouldn't leave him like this, there had to be a viable reason but he was too hurt to think about that so he resorted to guilt-tripping him, thinking maybe Merlin would come with him then. However as he looked into the hurt eyes of his best friend, he immediately regretted his words and turned around not being able to look in Merlin's face.

"I can't believe you just said that. After everything I've done for you these past 9 years. 9 years Arthur, of standing by your side, doing things no other servant has ever done. I ride into battle with you without anything to protect me, no chainmail, no sword, nothing, and yet I go, not only because you're my King but because you're my best friend. And yet you still think me a coward after I saved your life time and time again, after I chose you, after I sacrificed everyone and everything for you (Where do you guys think this line came from?). I may not be brave in your eyes, I may be stupid, or perhaps an idiot, but I'm done, I don't care anymore. I have literally put my life on the line for you countless times. I drank poison for you, I went with you and the knights to fight a dragon, I jumped in front of the Dorocha to save your life, I was willing to take your place to close the veil so you could come back to Gwen, I was willing to drink poison again for you, so you didn't have to drink it to save the kingdom from the plague and there are so many other instances that you don't even know about, not that you'd believe me anyway. I can't believe I was stupid enough to think that you'd at least consider me a friend. Guess I was wrong." Merlin said, mockingly using the same words Arthur had said to him. 

When he had heard what Arthur said, he was consumed by hurt and anger, that after years of utter loyalty and friendship, after choosing Arthur over his own people, over the very thing that he has now lost, his magic, he actually had the audacity to say that to him. Even without Arthur knowing about all the other times he had saved his life with his magic, he had still shown his devotion when he had rode with them to whatever journey they had to go on, no matter how dangerous, no matter if the chances of returning unscathed or even alive was slim to none, no matter how far they had to go, he went and now because of one thing that he couldn't control, the one person he cared about more than anyone, who was like a brother to him, literally called him a coward. 

Arthur looked wide-eyed and every inch of his face screamed guilt as he looked into the hurt eyes of his best friend. He was right, Merlin was a servant and yet he had done things that no other servant would even dream of doing, let alone have the courage to actually do it. The knights and him always rode out with chainmail and armour despite the fact that they were trained for battle but Merlin wasn't, he never had anything to protect him and yet he still came. He swallowed a lump in his throat when Merlin called him his best friend, he had just called him a coward and still Merlin thought of him as his best friend. 

He wanted to tell him that no, he didn't think him stupid or an idiot, he was Merlin and that's all that mattered. When he listed off everything he had done for him, Arthur only felt more guilty, Merlin had ridden into battle with him so many times, no matter how big the army, or how low the stakes were for them to come out alive, so how could he think he would abandon him for this one unless it was for something truly important? 

At his last words Arthur shook his head, he truly did consider Merlin a friend, in fact he was more than that, he was his best friend, his brother in all but blood. He opened his mouth to say so when all of a sudden a light flashed before his eyes and his world turned black, having no idea that the same thing had happened to Merlin, Gwen, Gaius, Hunith, and the knights of the round table.