Endless love || The Darkling (English)

5.

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Everything is transient. Every noise of the breeze, every murmur of water, every melody sung, is fleeting. Like this life. I am aware of that. My life is passing. Every day I am closer to the hour when I will leave your father and you forever, my little one. But still, that is not really the end. Every shining star, every ray of sunshine you feel on your skin will whisper to you that your mother is guarding you and hiding in some cloud, waiting for you to look up. That way you'll know I'm always there. Sometimes mention me to your father, I wish he would think of me sometimes, to whisper to me I love you. He is my better half, he makes me the way I am and he will always be my only love. I wish I could go back to the moment when we realized that we love each other, so that we can experience everything again. But I know the end would be the same again. Don't worry, I don't regret anything. We are family, your father, you and me. We always will be. If not in this, then in some next life.

I love you, my little one.

Vasilisa Morozova
Diary excerpt

***

She looked forward to every beginning of those sunny days, when she would be free and would trample her bare feet on the grass in the garden filled with fragrant flowers, which she would clumsily tangle in her hair. Her laugh would make him laugh himself. Only she could do that. For a long time he hid behind that mask of insensitivity and a stern look, for a long time he guarded that little boy, eager for power, who so rarely smiled. But Vasilisa showed him the beauty of life, the beauty of happiness and love.

He couldn't imagine life without her, she made this world, his world better. She showed him that it is not a weakness to love and that this love makes him stronger. He was everything she wanted. And now she was leaving him. How did he not see that? How was he blind for so long? He did not see the pain and sadness in the eyes that brought him so much joy. He didn't see how her every touch was regretful and thoughtful. He had been losing her for so long and he didn't see it.

He regretted the lost time he had spent away from her. He could be with her, hold her hand every day and tell her how much he loves her. He loved her. That was the only truth in his life. Everything else was fake. Everything else was overrated and unimportant. All his crimes, attempts to reach the heights of power, to be someone they will respect and to be someone to lead them. Compared to Vasilisa, it was insignificant. It was lost in the wave of his grief. At that moment, there was only her.

His angel with golden hair and emerald eyes.

His Vasilisa, who was slowly slipping out of his hands. Which he was slowly losing. Whose heart almost struck the last beats and closed her eyes forever.
All the memories of her flashed through his mind. Her every smile, every story she entertained him with, every adventure she had with Genya. All those little moments that might once have been insignificant have now become important. He left small kisses in her hair, squeezing her tighter and tighter in his arms, while she talked happily to their daughter. How selfish he really was.

His daughter, their daughter, will never have the opportunity to meet her mother, to hear her voice, to look into her eyes and see the love in them. She will be deprived of a love that would have no end, a love that would shower her regardless of faults and flaws. She will be deprived of the person who carried her under her heart and who softly hummed and told her stories. The person who, despite knowing that she would lose her life, brought her into this world, just so that he would not be alone. But he will love her for both of them. Sometimes it probably won't be enough, but he will try. Anastasia deserves love. She deserves to fill her heart with love. Vasilisa would like that.

She sighed heavily and cocked her head at him. He was so far away, somewhere in his thoughts. She knew, it wasn't easy for him, on such a happy day, he found out that she was going to leave him forever. It could happen any minute, she could feel it, her heart was weak and she didn't want to leave without telling him she loved him. She couldn't stand that dead silence. She was worse than anything. The worst.
"Aleksander." - he didn't look at her. He was looking at one point, and his dark eyes were filling with tears.
"Aleksander." - she repeated. He looked, but she felt the weight of his gaze. The man she loved was looking at her with a look she didn't recognize.
"Don't say anything. Please." - he said quietly, looking at their newborn daughter.
,,I have to. If I don't say now, I won't have the chance ever again." - a tear slid down her cheek. Why did she even think that he would accept this as if it were something that happened every day. She was dying. The woman he loved and with whom he married for eleven years, she was dying.

"Don't talk like you're going to leave me at any moment. Don't talk like I'm going to take it so lightly. What do you expect me to do? To sit and wait for you to die and then what? Should I continue my life as if you never existed? That is impossible. You get it? You are the air I breathe, every ray of the sun, every sound of the wind, every star in the sky. Do you understand? You are everywhere. You came into my life and I thought, I'm not going to let her take control of it that easily. But you entered my heart. I gave it to you and I loved you. I cant without you. I can't live without you. Aleksander does not exist without Vasilisa. Aleksander cannot do without Vasilisa. I will never learn to breathe the air where you are not there, to look at the flowers you love that I can no longer pin in your hair, to watch the sunset without you in my arms, to stare carelessly into the starry sky at night without thinking how you should be by my side smiling with that charming smile of yours."

He stood up shouting, which little Anya did not like at all. She started crying out loud. Vasilisa started shaking and looked sadly at Aleksander.
"I didn't want your suffering to be even greater." - that was her only explanation.
"Do you think that is enough? I watch you as the shine of your eyes fades in front of me, as your heart slowly stops beating. Do you think that my heart is not burning with pain, that it is not breaking into a million pieces. I'm not ready to lose you. I'm not."
"I know." - she said simply and took a deep breath. She was losing herself, more and more every minute, and if she didn't tell him what she wanted, she would die restless.

"Listen to me. It's important. You must listen to me carefully. I'm going to ask you something, please, fulfill it. That's my last wish." - he would never refuse her anything. But those words hit him like blades in the heart. He saw on her face that the color was fading from her cheeks, that her eyes were darker and she could hardly keep them open, but she is trying, for his sake. He was right, the shine was fading from them.
"I would never refuse you anything." - he sat down next to her and brought her hand to his lips. He kissed her like a million times by now, but that was the last time.
"Tell Alina the truth, let her, when she's ready, destroy the Fold once and for all. Please do it and let me die in peace. Please, Aleksander." - he looked and shook his head. She didn't know what she was saying. How could he do that?
"You don't understand, milaya. I can't do that. Grishas..."
"Our daughter is more important than all of them. Remember, Aleksander, I fought for Anastasia and I don't want her to live in a country where war is being waged. If you don't tell her, I wrote her a letter. I told her everything. I want a better future for our daughter." - even though she was weak, even though her breathing became shallow, she was ready to prove her husband wrong.

Aleksander fought for the Grishas, he wanted them to be safe, for Ravka to be safe, but their Anastasia was more important. Wasn't happiness and well-being the priority of the parents? From now on, Aleksander should live for her, breathe for her. To grow in a country where there is no war, where it is safe and you don't have to live in fear.
"She's like you, Aleksander, I can feel it. Do you think that one day they won't put all your crimes on her shoulders, that she won't feel all the hatred and anger they feel for you, if you do what you plan. She will become the new Black Heretic, just because she is your child. I won't let you do that to her. I won't." - she began to shake, and the child in her arms moved just a little, sleeping peacefully in her mother's arms. Aleksander took Anastasia from her and tried to calm her down. Everything took its toll, and her life became shorter for which minute.

He looked at his daughter, that little being who would be his balance, his safe harbor and who would enable him to love endlessly, without any goal. She did not deserve to bear his sins and mistakes. She deserved a better life than his and he saw what Vasilisa was fighting for, even in her last moments. Her future will be saved, it will be more beautiful, brighter, without the Fold, without fear of Volcra and monsters of darkness. Aleksander could not refuse his wife's last wish. Perhaps even in this way his Grishas find safety.
,,Alright. It will be as you wish. I will tell Alina the truth and we will destroy the Fold."
,,Promise me. You never broke your promise. You are a man of your word. Promise me, Aleksander." - she spoke with difficulty, but he made out her words.
"I promise, my Vasilisa. Everything for you."

She smiled as she looked at the picture in front of her. Her family. Her husband and daughter. They were so beautiful. She wanted to take that image with her, to burn it in her mind, to never fade away. This is what she fought for, this is what she gives her life for. They will have each other. Aleksander will no longer be alone. He will have their Anastasia. She remembered Genya's words Your child will know you. She was sure she would. She would grow up with such good people.
"One more thing." - he looked at her and smiled at her. That smile gave her hope that he will be okay.
"Tell me, milaya."
"Bring Genya to the Little Palace. I want her to take care of our daughter. I don't want her to spend even a day in the Grand Palace, next to the king. Do that and you will know that I died calm and peaceful." - there was no argument with Vasilisa. He saw that she was ready to argue with him about it. Aleksander knew that he would have to negotiate with the queen about Genya, but he would fulfill this to Vasilisa. Genya was her best friend and he would sacrifice his goals for her. He loved her more than power and the throne. He loved her more than anyone or anything.
,,As you wish."

And at that moment he knew. Those were the last minutes with her. He couldn't do anything. He wished he could change the past, hold her forever in his arms, never let her out of his sight, but he couldn't. She was getting lost, more and more every second.
"Kiss me, Aleksander. I want to die with your kiss." - she didn't cry, she didn't scream, but Aleksander wanted to. Shadows began to gather around them and the room was lost under that blackness. There were only the three of them, just that one moment. For a short time they they were family and Vasilisa adored that little moment, just theirs.
"I am not afraid of your shadows. They are a part of you. And I love every part of you. Both good and bad." - she smiled at him and he brought his face closer to hers. "Kiss me now."

She wasn't pretty at that moment, her face was washed out, her hair was matted, her dress was ruined from the laborious delivery, she was all bloody, and her heart was beating less and less. It fought for another minute or two, to give farewell to two who love each other. But for Aleksander she was beautiful, in that moment she was beautiful. His eyes were lost in hers and he felt like he was kissing her for the first time. His lips touched her dry ones, but he didn't care. The kiss was filled with the love and tenderness he felt for the woman beside him. All those years he thought he had done something good in his life when he got Vasilisa. She was his moral compass, his better half, his wife and companion. She was everything to him.
"I love you, Vasilisa."

She nodded and caressed his wet cheek. Tears fell from those dark eyes, he couldn't stop the pain from breaking out of him.
"I left you a letter. Read it when I'm gone. I wrote a diary to Anastasia, so that she would know her mother. Give it to her when she's old enough. I want my child to know me. Promise me." - he hugged and kissed her hair. He couldn't live without her. Why is life punishing him like this. He was destined to lose her, but not now. They were supposed to have a life full of happiness and joy. To laugh and cry a million more times.
"How did you not understand until now? Everything for you, my Vasilisa. Everything."
"Take care of our daughter. She is our priceless treasure." - he nodded and felt her take her last breath.

He was selfish, hypocritical, manipulative many times in his long life. He didn't love. Baghra told him that love does not bring anything good. That no one is like them and never will be. Why then did he find an ordinary Fjerdan girl and why exactly she became his beginning and his end. She became his home and together with her he created a family. She became his everything. She brought spring into his life, she brought melodies that would fill his soul. She freed him from his fear and made him surrender his heart to her. She guarded him until this moment, when she would return him to him, broken and filled with grief.
"You know, I gave you my heart." - she opened her eyes once more, look at him  and barely whispered.
"And I gave you my dreams. And you fulfilled them all. You loved me, you protected me, you made me a wife and a mother." - she squeezed his hand and looked at him for the last time.

"I love you, Aleksander."
"I love you too, Vasilisa..."

The emeralds closed, but did not open again. She fell asleep, but this time it was forever. She left him, she left him, and he couldn't get her back. He closed his eyes and pulled her close. That love was his biggest weakness, but it always gave him strength. What is left for him now? He held the baby in his arms, who was crying with all his might. She also felt that she had lost her. But they had each other and Aleksander and Anastasia will live so that Vasilisa will live with them.

Forever in their hearts and minds.

,,...more than anything. My love is endless Vasilisa."