If I Tell Him

Chapter 5

Was she on another planet?

Everything, absolutely everything was different. Even under Riftan's huge cloak with her face hidden, even with him guiding her by the shoulders, even with Talon protecting her from the front, she could not get over the bizzarity of it all. Nor the sinking feeling that she was perhaps more alone and ignorant than she'd ever been in her life. And that was saying something.

At the same time, her younger more curious self poked through, and when she looked around, Maxi remembered inhaling those forbidden books about the people on land. She remembered her crazy, intense yearning to see it for herself, even if she might be walking amongst those that hated her.

It didn't matter that she had no murderous intent, that she'd never killed a man with her voice. No, if someone found out the truth, she was dead. Father told her of the barbaric tendencies of people...most would spear a defenseless mermaid without thought. Maybe Riftan thought she was naive, but that was totally wrong.

When she came of age, Maxi was told the same senseless thing happened to her mother. It made her sick, it made her hate herself for even entertaining these ideas. The books were thrown away for good, and she stopped swimming up for air so much- it was only when life became so unbearable that she would pray for her mother's forgiveness and come up, letting the sun's warmth hit her face. But now she was up here, mingling with those who might do the same to her. What most disgusted Maxi was her own enjoyment; the choice to run away was for survival, not fun. Still...

Was being stone cold really the answer? Did she even have it in her?

Looking at her companion, she didn't think so. Even if it was the right thing to do.

Maxi's heart felt burdened by the weight of her guilt, but then, that heaviness lightened just a bit when she saw a group of kids running with a ball. Their laughter brought a genuine smile to her face- how long had she wanted to do just that? To sprint and move without any restrictions...it felt like a dream, but she'd done it, too.

Her legs were kind of sore, but it was well worth it. God it was, more than anything.

And this place- when Riftan told her they were going to town, why, she imagined something far more quaint. But the place was absolutely bustling. She was unused to seeing so many new faces at once, and it was so overwhelming. Could they tell something was different about her? Maxi didn't dare look anyone in the eye, lest they somehow find out her secret.

Then the smells. It was like, well, one minute everything smelled amazing when they passed a stall of food or something called pastries she was losing her mind thinking about. But then all of a sudden it would literally smell like crap and she wanted to gag and die. No one else seemed to notice or care. Several times, Riftan would have to lift her just enough so her feet would be off the ground and her socks wouldn't be ruined. The horses just went anywhere, and she hardly saw anyone cleaning it up.

"Yeah, that's why I don't live here," Riftan handed her a cloth, which she fast pressed to her nose. "It's shitty."

As they walked further north, the place gradually began to look better. The sidewalks were cleaner, the bricks on the buildings had better upkeep- even the people looked sharper. For the first time Maxi thought of how wretched she looked compared to the other woman under this cloak. She knew what they were wearing- dresses. Not that she was ungrateful, but suddenly she felt extremely embarrassed at her state even though that should be the last thing on her mind. So far she was really failing her mission of fitting in. How did other women act?

Their lack of movement brought her back to reality.

"W-Wait, where...I thought y-you said we're going to a post office,"

For fear, she had whispered the last part. It was so she could send word to her family, but, well she had no idea what her plan was when they arrived there. Maxi was hoping she could just pretend to write something and just shove it in the letter box.

"What is t-this place?" She squirmed under his unflinching stare, fiddling with her hands. It was difficult to get used to.

"You look like a street urchin, so we're getting you some new clothes first." Maxi huffed.

Maybe he was right, but she did not appreciate his taciturn manner. Why not say this before? Hiding the displeasure on her face didn't work this time.

"What's w-wrong with urchins?" With even more scrutinization from him, she wished she was prickly.

"O-Okay, well, just one outfit." She bowed her head with a sigh. Before going off on her own, she had no choice but to accept help. But relying on so much kindness was scaring her. How long until he needed something in return? Maxi had nothing to give in return, and that terrified her.

What would happen if this perfect stranger turned on her? Instinct and reason said that wouldn't happen, but how did she truly know? If her own family could be so cruel, anyone else had the possibility to be so much worse. Was that it? That everyone, from the whole sea to this land were enemies? Was she really all alone?

Right in the center if her chest was an empty, numb cavern, and Maxi wondered when she'd become such a pathetic being. A shell of herself. But she couldn't remember what was there to begin with. Was she ever happy?

The question made her think back to those kids playing on the street; they looked so carefree. Could she be that way...

"Stop moping, don't women like shopping?" He pointedly held open the door, while Maxi raised both her head and voice indignantly.

"I-I am n-not m-moping!" She snarked and stomped inside.

No, she was just...uh, contemplating her existence. That sounded better.

Oh.

The clothes...

Riftan tugged down her hood when he came in behind her, and it felt like all her senses were overloaded again. The lady, who she found out was a tailor, waved at them, and she shyly copied the gesture before hiding behind a display. All of it looked like too much.

When Riftan bought her a new pair of shiney black boots, Maxi wondered if she could really be like everyone else.

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Note:

I really wanted to do a makeover so yeah incoming...also please someone tell me they got the sea urchin joke I was wondering if it's stupid or not help 💀 u guys I love history but I mix eras up so uh it's inaccurate but i hope it seems believable 💓 sorry I take eighty years for short chapters, trying to finish highschool and I'm dying 🥲