BEHOLD! A Guide for the Aspiring Mad Scientist

Interpersonal Relationships: Allies and Enemies

Lackeys, Toadies, and Minions: There's no "I" in "Affront to God"

Barring intensive cloning, you can't do it alone. With cloning, you'll either have a bunch of infants or several resentful instances of yourself trying to replace you at every turn. As such, even the most duplication-happy mad scientist needs some underlings to do the grunt work.

That being said, while they may be menial laborers, you should still treat them with respect. By definition, you'll need to let your subordinates into your inner sanctum, make them privy to your plans, and otherwise compromise your security in order to get anything done. As such, your defenses are only as strong as your least loyal minion. There are countless examples of disgruntled assistants having a hand in a mad scientist's downfall. Either learn from your predecessors or join them. It's as simple as that.

My advice regarding human resources (a pernicious term if there ever was one,) can be summarized in the form of this catchy mnemonic:

Don't be POLITE, be RUDE!(1)

That is, don't be:

Pathetic: You are the one in charge. Act like it. No one respects an insecure, wishy-washy simperer who's afraid of his own shadow, much less getting his hands dirty.

Overbearing: Conversely, remember that despite their inability to make natural law sit, roll over, and play dead, your subordinates are still human and still have finite patience. Don't try that patience by treating them as subhumans whose only purpose is to obey your every whim.

Loathsome: When lost in the rapture of discovery and creation, it can be easy to forget that that inconvenient meat body of yours has regular hygienic needs. Remember to attend to them, at least until you transfer your consciousness to a lower maintenance alternative. Also, remember that not everyone may be as enthusiastic as you are about, say, the chemical composition of elephant dung. Try to recognize when your audience is showing signs of discomfort and cut the tirade short when it does.

Incompetent: If it doesn't seem like you know what you're doing, you'll never be able to retain any degree of skilled labor. Make sure you're both proficient and comfortable with your discipline of choice before seeking out minions.

Trite: While the finer points of mad science are often lost on the greater populous, the common tropes and stereotypes are deeply ingrained in the collective social consciousness. Electric corpse reanimation, "death ray" satellites, and other cliché projects are more likely to inspire snickers and yawns than gasps of awe, both in underlings and in targets.

Enervated: People notice moods and respond in kind. If you're not excited, neither will your lackeys. It shouldn't be hard to show enthusiasm if you're doing what you love, and if you didn't love pushing the envelope so far you leave the post office, you wouldn't be reading this. Don't be afraid to show how much you enjoy what you're doing.

Do be:

Respectful: As noted above, your flunkies are human(2). Treat them as such. Keep their hours reasonable, their pay competitive, and their working conditions reasonably nonhazardous.

Understanding: Your subordinates have lives outside of your laboratory, families other than their coworkers, and passions beyond your doomsday machine. These may intrude on their ability to work efficiently or even show up. Don't punish them for being the victims of circumstance.

Diplomatic: Try to make yourself seem approachable to your first minions. Treat them as equals, or at least as close to them as your pride can tolerate. They are the springboard that will propel you from chemistry set to particle accelerator, and you need them as much – if not more – than they need you. With later hires, you can cultivate an air of aloof mystique, keeping your first allies in an inner circle that will only strengthen the bonds of their trust.