BEHOLD! A Guide for the Aspiring Mad Scientist

Supplement: Life as a Lackey

 How to Stay Alive and Influence Geniuses: Life as a Lackey

By Samuel Frendelson, Chief Assistant to Prof. Vigo Depravis

Professional Relationships: Just Smile and Nod

Mad scientists are like children: petty, cruel, vindictive, and inconsiderate of both consequences and their fellow human beings(1). Yet – again, like children – they also have a bizarre, enviable degree of innocence, confidence, and simplicity. Life for them is one big game of make-believe, though their fantasies can turn all to real for the rest of us. Here are some guidelines for handling your employer:

Non-Disposal Agreement: When applying for a position, make sure the scientist draws a distinct line between minions and test subjects. No one wants to suddenly sprout blue fur because the boss slipped a potent mutagen into the cafeteria meatloaf just to see what would happen.

Stay in the Background: Mad scientists often suffer from chronic tunnel vision: if it's unrelated to their goals, they don't notice it. As such, don't feel you need to hide from your employer. Simply stay out of his way and he won't even know you're there, which can free you up to handle necessities he will likely overlook.

Be a Good Audience: Like children, your employer is very insecure, and will need near-continual ego buttressing. If you find yourself at the receiving end of a monologue, be sure to pay enough attention that you can distinguish the many rhetorical questions from the occasional query that is actually directed to you. Failure to do so will make it seem like you don't feel the scientist merits your attention, prompting him to lash out, possibly lethally.

The Madman is Always Right: It doesn't matter if you've already done it, if he told you not to do it a second ago, or if it's physically impossible. If you have been ordered to do something, say that you will. Note, however, that saying you will do something is distinct from actually doing it. That is typically advisable, but common sense, self-preservation, and the ever-present possibility of your employer forgetting his own commands should always be taken into account.

Be Pragmatic: There comes a time when every lackey must choose between himself and his employer, be it a threat to the lackey's life or a challenge to his morals. Your choice should hinge on three questions: Can your employer see or hear you(2)? Will you live no matter what your choice? After your choice, will you be able to live with yourself? If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, stay true to the scientist. Otherwise, feel free to include him on your resume, but don't list him as a reference.

Becoming Top Lackey: Climbing Jacob's Corporate Ladder

Chief minion is more than just a title(3). You are your employer's confidante, etiquette coach, ombudsman, and general filter between him and the rest of the world. This goes both ways. Just as your employer needn't know more people watched a new reality show than his subliminal mind control broadcast, so to does no one else need to see those parts of his televised ultimatum/global ransom note that end up on the cutting room floor. If you really think the the rewards of the position outweigh the added responsibilities, here are a few more tips for working your way up to second fiddle.

Know the Subject: No one, sane or not, will choose his right-hand man from a pool of incompetents if he can help it. Unfortunately, everyone else is incompetent to a mad scientist. If you can at least seem like you understand what he's ranting about, he'll remember. If you can actually hold your own in a casual conversation, you may be promoted on the spot.

Corporate Darwinism: The current second-in-command is going to fiercely defend his position. Expect discreditation, sudden departmental shifts, and/or abrupt termination, whether of your employment, your life, or both. Also, bear in mind that should you reach the coveted position, you will quickly be replaced by the next shiny object that catches your employer's notice if you do not employ these or similar tactics.