ᵈⁱⁿᵒ ᶜʰⁱᶜᵏᵉⁿ ⁿᵘᵍᵍᵉᵗˢ

to my parents.

dear dad,

i don't usually get emotional but i thought to write you for some weird reason. maybe it's that you're someone who doesn't have to deal with all the useless crap and empty baggage i carry. and you know why i'm like this? i guess if you were alive, maybe you'd know. maybe if you didn't leave... you would just... know.

i went on a run the other day, and i know, i don't play soccer anymore like you wanted me to. that was in the suicide letter i just never got to read from you. anyways, back to this run. i was stuck at a crosswalk---an intersection---where the train tracks meet the sidewalk. and i run there everyday, but that day in particular was different. everything hit a little too close to home. 

the ground shook and the horn came and i was frozen in place as the wind gushed by to take the breath from my lungs. and i was horrified, terrified, and scared. because the sight i saw as the train passed by me at that very second was the same sight you saw as you took your own life. and i witnessed it firsthand. but i couldn't escape. i was forced to suffer through those two brutal minutes of having the train right next to me until the crosswalk sign changed.

i was lost.

and i felt betrayed. when, never have i ever, blamed you for leaving me. and i didn't know why.

but as i moved on with my day, i forgot. i forgot about the train and the ground shaking and the sound the horn made as it blared in my ears. i forgot. because that's what i do. i suck it up, move on, and forget.

for that, i'm so sorry.

because as the last six years of my life has happened, i've slowly started to forget.

to forget you. 

i mean, could you blame me? you've been gone for more than a third of my life. i have a new family. new beliefs. new morals. new everything. because you left and i became somebody else. i know you can't blame someone with a mental illness for doing something like taking their own life. obviously, if there was something to be done about it---well, we could all reverse every loss everyone has endured---but we can't. so i don't blame you, and honestly, i'm not mad either.

but there are days i forget you were my dad. i forget you used to be the one to hold my hand as we crossed the street. that you used to take me to the beach at 8 pm in the evening to listen to reggae music. i forget you were alive, at one time. that you existed. breathed the same air as me. lived in the same house. i forget i have a biological dad that is no longer alive.

and somehow along the way, my vision has been distorted and i still think of you as my hero. even after all the physical, emotional, and mental abuse you put me through.

but there's nothing to say here.

other than: i'm so sorry.

for the things life put you through-

and for forgetting, forgiving, living, existing, when you couldn't.  

your daughter,
raven xx