Dearest Kit

Chapter Thirty Three

   It was sitting on the coffee table, indignant, staring at me as if it didn’t even care about all that had happened. I know it was just an object, I know this, but it should feel something; shouldn’t it? I cocked my head to one side and bit my lip perturbedly. 

   “What are you thinking?” Jimmy squeezed my shoulders reassuringly and lowered his face until his chin was resting in the crook of my neck. 

   “Nothing,” I lied. 

   Why hadn’t I just given the ring back to him? How could I have accepted it after what he had told me, after what had unfolded following his proposal? It was an incredibly romantic gesture, or at least had seemed it at the time, and it made me angry that he had ruined that, a moment which should have been simply wonderful. 

   “It irritates me,” I started. 

   “What irritates you?” Jimmy replied. 

   “The way it’s just laying there,” I continued to stare at the small piece of jewelry, my eyes level with the gem, “the way it seems to glitter through no effort of it’s own. It’s made to be beautiful, it was born to be this prized possession, something people cherish. Perhaps he doesn’t want me because I can’t be as perfect as the diamond right there, I can never be as beautiful.” 

   “Your’e stunning, don’t be stupid,” he scolded. 

   “Maybe I should pawn it?” I suggested but Jimmy just slapped me playfully. 

   “Don’t you dare.” 

   “Why should I keep it? This token of his affection after he told me that he doesn’t want to see me anymore!” I exclaimed, becoming frustrated. I grabbed the ring and felt it in my palm, icy cold, causing me to shiver. The gold felt nice between my fingers, solid. 

   “He said you should take a break, so that you can have your moment in the spotlight.” 

   “He could have been lying.” 

   “But he wasn’t.” 

   “How do you know?” I turned around so that I was scowling at Jimmy directly as he perched on the sofa behind me. 

   “Because I know these things,” he shrugged hopelessly. “There’s a glimmer, a little like the one we see in diamonds, which I saw in his eyes, when he watched you move. There is no other way to explain.” 

   “I just,” I felt my throat catch then but I really didn’t want to cry, not again, not like I did every time he would call after that night, when his photo would flash up on the LCD screen. “I miss him,” I exhaled deeply. 

   “I know you do.” 

   “But I hate him at the same time.” 

   “That’s also totally understandable,” Jim lent down and kissed my cheek comfortingly. “I think, this is one of those things where at the time, it’s confusing, but one day, at some point in the future, it will make total sense to you. You only need one event for it to all make sense, a single word maybe.” 

   “Maybe,” I agreed, although I didn’t sound convinced, not in the slightest. “I think I should go somewhere,” I sighed, “head back home.” 

   “Are you sure?” Jimmy asked, but I just nodded soundlessly. I had gone up to London that afternoon to visit him whilst he stayed with his Dad for the weekend; he had an apartment near Portobello. 

   “I think so,” I stood up and found my shoes by the door, pulling them on. “I need some air, I need time to be alone with my thoughts.”