Allejo Series 2 | Will You Unmarry Me?

KABANATA 8

Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live

Caspian only came at our daughter's funeral. He never stayed by our side. He was busy with his woman.

Kasama ko dapat siyang nagluksa noong nawala ang anak namin. Ngunit nang umalis siya ay pinagluksaan ko rin siya.

The idea of him , being a perfect father was now slowly fading in my mind. How could he leave his daughter and be with other woman?! At ngayon lang talaga siya bumalik kung kailan burol na ng anak niya.

I hope my daugther will haunt him for the rest of his life.

Sinubukan niya akong kausapin pagkatapos ng burol ngunit iniwasan ko siya. I can't even look at him anymore, all I see is this stranger that once meant everything to me.

I could see the guilt in his eyes but I didn't pay attention to it.

" L-love.." he tried to touch my hand.

" Huwag na huwag mo akong hahawakan, " I looked at him with disapointment. Dumaan ang panandaliang sakit sa kaniyang mata ngunit wala akong pakialam. Siya pa ang may ganang masaktan?

Sobra ko siyang kinamumuhian. Sinusumpa ko na sana ay maranasan niya nang doble ang sakit na nararanasan ko ngayon. Sana dumating ang araw na siya naman ang babagsak at walang tutulong sa kaniya kung paano umahon.

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When you experience loss, people say you'll move through the 5 stages of grief. . . .Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. . . . . What they don't tell you is that you'll cycle through them all every day.

Walang lumipas na araw na hindi ako umiyak. Nawawalan ako ng ganang ipagpatuloy pa ang buhay ko. Araw-araw akong nagluksa sa pagkawala ng anak ko. Gigising ako na siya agad ang hinahanap ko.

I left Manila and went to Cavite. I isolated myself there. Hindi na ako pumasok sa trabaho. Hindi ko na binuksan ang phone ko. I lost contact with mama, papa and Gray. I didn't bother to talk with them.

Hindi na ako nakakakain ng maayos. Wala akong ibang ginawa kundi umiyak nang umiyak. At umabot sa puntong nabaliw na ako.

I experienced disturbed sleep , loss of appetite, fatigue and anxiety. And I was even diagnose of Post- Traumatic Stress Disorder. Too much stress, the loss , depression and anxiety was the reason behind it.

It was hard. Sometimes, I'll wake up in the middle of night because of nightmares . At ang patay kong anak ang laging laman ng panaginip ko. And I would even hallucinate.

Lagi ko siyang nakikita at palaging galit ang kaniyang mukha. It scared me to death. Her face was very angry and it seems like she was about to kill me.

" Ilayo niyo siya sa akin! " I shouted. Sinubukan kong magpumiglas ngunit masyadong malakas ang mga nurse sa pagkakahawak sa akin.

Nanlalaki ang mata kong napatingin sa batang babae sa harapan ko. She was wearing a white dress with a knife in her hand.

" You are a bad mother. I hate you! " she shouted. Galit na galit ang kaniyang mga mata.

Sumigaw ako nang malakas at napatakip sa tenga upang hindi marinig ang boses niya. Gulong-gulo na ang aking buhok at halos mapunit na ang aking damit.

" Papatayin ako ng anak ko ! " I cried and pointed at the girl in front of me . I was so scared and no one was beside me . I was all alone.

Caspian said he'd always be there for me, but he's not. He wasn't there on my darkest nights. He wasn't there everytime I woke up because of a nightmare. He wasn't there when I almost killed myself. He wasn't there.