Indecipherable Looks

Chapter 14

Perhaps she was not destined to be loved. Every time the possibility was in her reach, it was snatched away. Her mother, the dog, her sister...and now Riftan. But he surely had the capability of being loved- so caring, kind, and attentive. If Maxi let go, there would be someone more fitting to care for him. Anyone would be better than her.

She had read that true love was not a feeling, an infatuation or lust. It was your actions. If Maxi could take up a sword and fight for her man, she surely would, but it was not an option. Was she showing her love in this way? By breaking things off? She only wanted to save him, to protect him, and if he hated her, at least she would know he was alive.

A seething rage directed at her would be better than to see his cold, dead body in a casket.

She didn't want to do it. But what other choice did Maxi have?

"Maxi, what are you doing out here?" Riftan opened the door to his room, almost immediately alerted by her presence as she knew he would be. For a moment she just looked at him, knowing today would be the last time she saw his face. And probably the last time she was treated with kindness. Not that she would deserve it anyway.

"I-I have to t-talk t-to y-you." All the nerves in her stomach piled up until she felt awful and queasy. He noticed quickly, looking around before bringing her into the room and closing the door. Then he sat her down at the empty desk, brushing the hair back from her face while she cowardly looked away. The touch made her yearn for more, but Maxi slowly tilted her head away, the guilt too much for her in the moment. Riftan paused, but then sat on the bed, speaking like her action wasn't unusual.

"It's so early- how did you find my room anyway?"

"Ruth told me." Her voice sounded foreign and hollow to her own ears, and his eyes shot toward her.

"Are you alright?" He tried to reach for her, but she waved a hand.

"I-I'm okay." Riftan frowned at that, his body tensing up.

"Even I can tell you're lying. What did that son of a bitch do now?" Maxi closed her eyes, wanting to tell him the truth about everything. But then he would look at her differently for constantly lying, for not being the person he thought she was, for being so pathetically weak, and not want her anymore.

But that was the point, wasn't it? She needed to stop thinking about her feelings. It wouldn't matter how he saw her in a moment, anyway. Maxi felt rotten bitterness and anger rising inside of her.

Though if he did take her side, no good could come of it. Her father would find a way to hurt Riftan, to bury this beautiful, strong man before her.

That, she couldn't allow.

"Nothing," She squeezed her arms around herself, preparing for what she was about to do as she stared at the floor. "I-I had to t-tell you...w-we c-can't be t-together."

It was so silent then, and she was horrified to look up and see his expression. The tension in the room was bubbling up and she knew when it spilled over the edge, both of their hearts would be broken. But there was no going back, no ignoring the meows in the forest, no staying away from a foreign man when that was the correct path, she couldn't go back and redo things the right way. Maxi wished she could just remove the memory of her from his brain, so Riftan could get the peace he deserved. Everything she touched was ruined with disaster.

"Why...is that?" Riftan's voice was completely void of emotion, unlike so many times before. It made her want to scream.

"I'd b-be a-a terrible w-wife so...y-you need someone b-better."

"Hey, no," So fast, he was on his knees before her, grasping both of her hands in his while her tears pooled up and threatened to fall. "You're the only person I want, Maxi. I can't fathom what you mean," He looked into her eyes, willing her to catch his gaze, but she wouldn't, turning anywhere but to him. "I only want to wake up by your side; to take care of you, to love you. Maybe I haven't expressed it enough, but you're the only one for me." Every word made her long more, made more treacherous emotion stream out of her as she cried, hoping that when he left, God would strike her down for her awful words.

"I'm t-the daughter of a Duke a-and y-you're a k-knight. I-It j-just won't work. W-we have n-nothing in c-common and t-this is my home. I d-don't w-want to leave. I-I'm h-ha-happy here!" And she wrenched her hands from his, holding her heart as her chest wracked with uncontrollable sobs. It wasn't fair, it wasn't fair at all. Why did this have to happen to her? Heaven had dangled love and acceptance in front of her eyes, only to swiftly snatch it away.

"I know you are miserable here," Riftan's voice was all cold and hard, not the way she was used to as he moved away. "I apologize for not being born a prince," He sneered, and she couldn't focus on his angry face, feeling about to hyperventilate. "But regardless of my station, I would treat you much better than your bastard of a father. Does a title mean that much to you? Does it really?" When he took her by the shoulders, Maxi flinched, raising her hands over her face, breathing heavily.

He was stiff for a moment before slowly letting go.

"I see," He smiled painfully. "You're scared of me." She scrambled to contradict him.

"T-That's not-"

"No, it's quite understandable, really." Riftan shrugged so casually, not giving her time to refute the statement. It was all so messy.

And then Riftan leaned in so close to her face, a stone wall, all of his feelings in some closed off place she couldn't see them as he scowled.

"Look me in the eyes and tell me you don't want to be with me. Tell me that everything we shared was fake, some little game to you, and I'll walk away. Because I'm tied to you, Maximilian. And if you desire it, I'll spend the rest of my life pursuing you. I'd do anything..." He roughly kissed the corner of her lips, and she almost gave in. She almost wrapped her arms around him and kissed back, nearly begging to hear those words again.

But instead she pushed him back. Riftan had the look of a broken man painted on his face, a man ready to fall to pieces. She hated to see him that way, but even a great pain was better than death.

"I-I don't want...to be t-together. It d-didn't mean anything!" She got up unsteadily from the chair, and he still righted her, even as he was falling apart.

Please don't be kind to me now.

I am undeserving of your grace, Riftan.

Standing by the door, she opened it before turning back to him one last time. But she could not see his face because he had turned to the window, looking into the sky as if willing it to swallow him whole.

"P-Please, leave t-this p-place. A-And...I'm sorry." Maxi gently closed the door behind her, but to her ears it some how reverberated, making her heart drop even more.

Why did the sound have to be so final?