Anna walked down a beautiful street that was lined with cherry blossom trees. The rain was falling lightly and her hair rested around her neck peacefully as if it was a makeshift scarf. The navy blue umbrella in her hand contrasted against the gray sky. The smell of wetness ricocheted against the pavement, nipping at her senses. She continued to walk, helpless against her intrigue and calmness, forcing one foot in front of another. It almost looked as if she was sashaying, but she was not. She was just not thinking.
Time and solidarity was all Anna required in order to gather herself and contemplate. She'd always been quite creative and let her mind fill her with harmless emotions as she scurried along the pathway like a mouse lost in a maze. She always doubled back and admired the foliage on the trees and bushes, as if she were overlooking a portrait in a museum. As some old minded individuals might say, she was rather contained in an external fashion, yet she was ablaze with invention from within her being.
Now lost in thought, Anna began to slow her pace as she neared the ocean overlook. The wind blew across her face and whipped the rain into her eyes. The sea seemed to thrash in the storm as it was whipped into white froth. She folded up her umbrella and held it in her hand, staring out at the view. It was something she was used to. It was something she had become accustomed with. It was like an old friend. While they might not recognize each other at first, the memories would surely flood in. She came to meet it with each new story and each mention of excitement. Yet, the familiarity at that moment had somehow faded.
It was as if she were losing the friend. It was as if she separated herself from her old friends when she married August. It wasn't a beginning of something exciting. All it was was bittersweet. Not what a marriage should be, she'd realized, but at least she'd had one. Her sister had refused to hold a proper ceremony and had instead eloped. Anna always followed what other people did, but now she realized what that had costed her.
As she was pulled back into her view of the ocean, she allowed for her eyes to fall closed. Gathering up her raincoat, she sat down on the concrete. It was cold and smooth, but the weather was tougher. Pulling at her hair so that it blew up behind her, she seemed to gather warmth from her mind. It was a surprise that snow wasn't already falling. The cold had scared away other tourists and natives were hiding inside their homes.
She was all alone. She was finally living what she experienced every day in her brain. Her soul, which had once shone as bright as a star, had now flickered into darkness and despair. Memories clouded her every day and she couldn't escape them. She'd still be living them if she could just let go of August. She went back and forth with him. From loving to hating, to nothing, she wished she could have the confidence to leave him. But she'd be left in the middle. She'd be left fighting for the old and looming in the new in an out of place fashion.
Why did she have to decide? What happened to those days when she could rely on others to make decisions for her? They passed her by before she could relish them.
Now, as she sat by herself, taking in the salty aromas of the ocean, her pulse seemed to empty itself to a dull thumping in her head. Her feet began to ache with anticipation of movement, but she forced them to stay still.
She realized the only way she got through her ordinary life before she met August was by drenching herself in others. Even though some might have called her a pampered brat, she felt quite the opposite. She never got anything she wanted from life, yet her parents and siblings were always there for as long as she could remember. Then, her dad had cried at her wedding when he walked her down the aisle. He knew what would happen. He knew even before she did.
Why did she even say yes? Why did she say yes if she didn't love him? Maybe she had loved him. Or maybe she'd only ever loved the concept of a privileged life for her children. Nevertheless, she'd made the decision and now she was stuck with the consequences. Before she opened her eyes, she lifted her quivering hand to wipe a tear from her cheek.
No dialogue rushed through her mind, nor did any thoughts as she silently meditated her own version of a prayer. She didn't believe in any god, but she did believe in life. Life was its own beauty. It had its own color and its own work behind it. It had its reasons and its struggles. It created troublemakers when it lost its power, and to regain it created leaders. She wasn't sure what she was. Life was the only thing there left to lead her, and yet she couldn't find a connection with it.
How could she go on living her life full of obsolete nothingness when life was there looming in the distance? Like a star from another galaxy, it was luminescent in the storm. Luminescent in her mind. She allowed her eyes to flutter open. The first thing she did was peer down at the ocean beneath her. Through the metal bars of the barrier fence, there was nothing else blocking her from a thousand foot drop. Below that, there was only light of a new life.
As she pondered the thought, she could hear the faint sound of the ocean roaring. It was like her heart. Tentative with depression, but still lingering in the background of her mind. If only she could turn off the roar. Then the ocean would finally be at peace. If only she could erase her heart. Then she'd be left in an overjoyed state.
And not just an overjoyed state of heart, but a state of mind as well. It had been forever since she was last able to concentrate so much on herself. But now, that moment of time had already come and passed. She was staring over the edge of the barrier, only dreaming about her outcome if she were to succeed in her plans.
Then, as if some invisible force had appeared, she pulled away. She was dragged back from her sitting position and laid herself down in the middle of the road. No cars. No people. What was the harm of a festive imagination? What would it feel like if she lost her beauty? It was the only thing left that she cared for. But in reality, it was simplistic anyway. Her identical self seemed to loom in every shop on the block, and her done up face was rarely marveled at.
Now, as she could feel the pavement rumbling beneath her head, she sat up in an almost impulsive manner. She looked in both directions, but saw no cars or pedestrians coming her way. She looked down at the ocean. Sighing, she realized what the sensation had been. It was the partition beneath the road. A bridge of sorts was what she was sitting on. And the partition below her had been hit with a wave so hard that it had scared her.
That's when she realized. She was not serious about the thoughts rushing through her mind. In fact, she was oblivious to the certain outcome if she did indeed undertake them. She realized that even if she didn't think she had a reason to keep on living, at least one another living organism did. The sea. Even if the sea didn't have a mind or a soul, it had consumed many, gaining knowledge every time it did. It was offering her an admission. A chance. But it wasn't a chance that was open to all. It may gift it, but those lacking understanding never picked it up. They left the ticket floating in the air behind them.
That was what she had experienced, she decided to herself. Not that the scenario needed affirmation, but she thought everything needed a purpose in order to be understood. Someone else had completed a foolish act or two at the very landing she sat at, but their souls were now in the sea or embedded in the pavement that shook without visible reasoning. They were stupid, she realized with shock. She was a lot of things, but she certainly wasn't stupid. She'd been thinking her thoughts for years, yet she couldn't shake them. From the black veil that had once obscured her sight, to the fanciful umbrella connected to the Panama boat, she was lost without her thoughts.
Her mother could never understand. Her father could never understand. Her sister could never understand. August didn't even have a chance of understanding. But yet, the sea soaked the horizon, understanding her every moment and action. It thought of her as a friend, and the feeling was certainly mutual. That was why the water had felt out of place. Barely a goodbye, merely a hello. That's what it had been. Now, as she sat there, righting her wrongs, the crashing of the waves sent her thoughts abroad.
