Muted Body

1-Reuniuns

Chapter One – Reunions

The New Year countdown started and the house full of crowded people started to shout the numbers…18...17...16; I stumbled down the stairs running into people I didn’t know. I felt light headed and week. 15…14...13; every part of me hurt and I just wanted it to stop. 12..11; Faces flashed across my vision and the room buzzed with noise. My head started pounding at the same rhythm of my heart. 10…9…8; I tried to find one person I recognized but had no luck. My hair was a mess and my skirt was twisted backwards. 7…6…5; my heart didn’t slow it’s quick pace and my eyes felt swollen from the tears. 4…3; People were trying to put their lips on me and that only made my confusion worse.

I didn’t think I could feel any worse than I did at this very moment. I wanted to throw up and die in a place with less heat. Why was it so hot? 2…; the grass felt nice and cool on me and my flared cheeks were now going numb. Was I even on the grass or the cement? It didn’t matter to me at the moment. I knew I probably should get up and run for help, but I couldn’t move. My body shook and my head hurt. I just closed my eyes and felt myself drifting off to a long slumber. 1...Happy New Year

3 months later-

                What if someone invented a machine that could make you forget? Something that let you choose to only remember the good things in life? Or maybe a pill to take you to a peaceful place whenever you were forced to remember something you didn’t want to. People say that when you sleep you don’t have to worry about the stress or sorrow in your life, but every time I closed my eyes I could feel the nightmare rising. They say death is peaceful, but is that true? I thought about death as an option, but I also thought about my brother. I couldn’t leave him alone in this world. Maybe I can survive this. Maybe I won’t think about it ten years from now. That’s what I tell myself. Maybe it will just go away…

“Jeana” His dark voice whispered. I didn’t answer.

“You can’t run from me!” he shouted.

“Go away” I whispered to the dark.

“But I love you” I felt his strong grip on my arms and it hurt.

I felt the gasp of breath I took as I opened my eyes into the darkness of my room. Even though I just woke up I felt exhausted, because of the effort it took trying to awake. I also felt the hot tears that stained my cheeks and the burn in my throat, letting me know I screamed in my sleep again.

Within seconds I heard my older brother, Toby enter my room. He knelt next to my bed and wiped the tears on my face with a damp cloth. He rubbed my arms to sooth me. My whole body was shaking under his comforting strokes. This was starting to be a routine for us. I was surprised that he still came in to calm be down, even though he knows it’s just my usual nightmares.

He didn’t say anything; he knew I wouldn’t talk back if he did. We just sat there for a while trying to stop my body from shaking. I am grateful for having Toby in my life; he was all I had left now and even if he didn’t understand, he was still there. I didn’t look at my brother; I just pushed my head deep into my pillow and sobbed.

“One of these days you’re going to have to talk to someone about it” He spoke once I stopped being hysterical. I felt a few more tears roll down my cheeks as I thought about that. I wasn’t planning on telling anyone. I wanted to deal with this my way and I didn’t want anyone else to know. I would eventually move on, but right now this was enough.

“Are you ever going to tell me?” He whispered, I could hear the hurt in his voice from still not knowing why I had these nightmare episodes.

“No” I whispered back. I didn’t want him to suffer along with me. I’d rather him frustrated from not knowing, than to make him worry about me 24/7 and trying to help me with it. He sighed and then laid his head down next to mine and went to sleep.